ummm... *sigh*... this is part confession/part question/part asking if anyone else can possibly relate...

i used to ask for the SA to happen. not the traumatic parts, just some of it - the bits i could control. i didn't just encourage it from the person who did it to me, but from other male authority figures in my life.

i used to get really upset if they said no, and i would try to manipulate them so they would part take.

sometimes even now i think that i need to do this and it makes me not trust myself. e.g., right now i desperately want a hug from my T, but i am worried i will sexualise it. also, i wonder if i do it unconsciously sometimes too, because a lot of older men have thought we had something more than friendship/professional interest in common. it makes me really sad when people see me this way, like i'm a sexual object and nothing more, even when i'm trying hard not to be.

so, i feel like a useless *****.

and i know it's my fault, but i don't know what to do. i don't trust myself to go to therapy anymore. i don't trust myself to ask questions of my lecturers in person. i worry about talking to my work colleagues because they inevitably ask me out. part of it is manipulative, i know, but i still get sad when it happens. i want to be loved, not have sex.

but i think that, now that i'm an adult, that having someone care about you deeply doesn't happen unless you also put out.

anyway. i lost my question. it was something to do with forgiveness, but i dont think that applies, because i'm a bad person who hasn't done anything to redeem herself. maybe, if anyone can relate, it would be nice. but i'm probably the only slut who does this. maybe advice on how to stop, but i'm not sure i want to.

(also, just a request: for those of you who know me in the psychotherapy forums, let's pretend this thread doesn't exist outside of here - i don't want to be reminded about this anywhere else ).