I relate. I'm also convinced that I "asked for it" and continue to ask to be hurt and abused... because like you, I want to be able to at least control SOME part of it. Control is a big thing for people who have been abused I think - we didn't have the control to stop it the first time(s), so we'll try to control what we can. It doesn't make you bad, or weird, or sick or anything like that... I think it's a normal coping mechanism to deal with stuff.

I'm really good at manipulating people. I admit that, even if it's hard to. I'll manipulate people to be mean to me, because I feel I deserve it. I manipulate people to leave me, because I feel like I deserve to be abandoned again. I manipulate people to "care" about me. I manipulate people to sometimes stop me from hurting myself - I do it because even though it's hard for me to believe most of the time, I DESPERATELY want someone to care about me. Someone who is going to say "No" and who is going to care about me and love me for who I am - not for what I am, not for what someone can exploit from me... nothing like that.

Old habits, old patterns, old tapes in our head ... are really really really hard to break!!!

Okay. Enough of ME rambling though!!

YOU ARE NOT A USELESS *****.

YOU DO NOT DESERVE TO BE USED OR ABUSED.

YOU ARE NOT BAD OR STUPID OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT.

YOU DO NOT DESERVE TO BE HURT.

YOU ARE NOT A SLUT. YOU ARE NOT BAD.

Do something good for yourself - stop using bad words to describe yourself. I know that's hard - but at the very least, let SOMEONE ELSE tell you that you're bad - you don't need to make it worse for yourself. (PS. If someone calls you bad or anything nasty like that... I might have some really foul and mean things to say to them! NOBODY treats someone I know like that!)

Also, just because you're an "adult" now, doesn't mean you've emotionally been able to "grow up". We're sometimes stuck with childhood trauma and emotions and memories and other bad stuff... and that's kinda like emotionally "stunting" us. So we may LOOK like an adult, but sometimes we're still scared and alone and really really hurting. It sounds weird, but I think it's true... we need to "parent" and care for ourselves like we should have been in the past. We need to get through the bad stuff, and deal with it, in order to be happier and more "grounded".

IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. It has NEVER been your fault. It is those bad people who have hurt you, that helped you get stuck with playing out the same bad pattern over and over again - it's kinda like an "addiction". We get stuck in the same old rut in stuff because that's sometimes all we know.

But sometimes, what we DONT know is the best for us. Even if it's really, really, really scary.