Its kind of a wonder I've actually gotten myself to write on here. I'm not even quite sure what I have or what my problem is. I make excuses for myself, trivialize it. I blame myself. I go back and forth between thinkings its my fault and thinking maybe I have a problem and need help.

I can barely even bring myself to write about it because I just feel like people will give me stupid advice and not understand at all. Like, as if I hadn't tried all those regular things to try and fix it.

Its kinda like when I had heat exhaustion when I worked as a costume character... finally got to get out of costume, layed down on my stomach on the floor, and was completely unable to move for how long I didn't even know. I was alone in the dressing room. I thought I just wasn't trying hard enough.

Thats my motivation. I go through spurts of having motivation and not, but mainly its small instances of breaking out of what is my normal complete lack of motivation.

I've always had depression off and on. My circumstances are constantly painful. Before this last semester started I was sexually assaulted and shortly thereafter my boyfriend dumped me because he couldn't handle "being the supportive guy." But the assault had lots of gray areas, it was a friend, and I understood what happened, so I put myself back together quickly and was just resentful for awhile. I don't feel like it affects me. And when it does, I let it. I am very self-aware.

But this motivation thing has reached a new level. I feel, for the most part, ok. This isn't the debilitating depression I've had in the past. I don't feel miserable all the time... sometimes I feel miserable... but for the most part I feel normal. But for the life of me... I can't get myself to do ANYTHING.

Its now come to the point where I spend most of my days in bed. If I have somewhere to be, I usually manage to get there. I'm usually late, but I get there. But studying and homework...

Ok, I guess I should say I'm a 23-year-old college student. Its taking me this long because I keep having to re-take courses.

I can't. get myself. to do. anything.

I mentioned lately I've been spending all my time in bed. The last few days I've barely even eaten. I think today I may have gotten somewhere in the ballpark of 800 calories.

I have a final tomorrow. In this class, I have done next to none of the assignments. There are three chapters to read for the test.... in a book I never got myself to get. I could have made up all the assignments and gotten them in by the day of the test. My professor is lenient. But I couldn't even do that. Usually when it gets to that point my sense of urgency kicks in a little and I'm able to scramble and do what I need to do.

My sense of urgency is non-existant.

I've been putting off writing this post for months.

I can't live like this anymore. I'm a really smart person. I have so many goals. There are so many things I want to do with my life. I am going to be a music teacher. I can't be a music teacher like this.

The topper? My parents don't support me and live across the country. I have three dollars to my name and no health insurance.


Do I have any options? I'm desparate.