Sometimes I still long for a mother. I never miss the woman who gave birth to me. She was a biological unit, not a parent. Her abuse was extreme. Forgiveness made me able to stop obsessing over the horrors she put me through and I finally realized that she too was put through the ritual abuse. Understanding doesn't erase the wrongs she did over and over.

My one goal as an adult with children was to make sure I did not do to them what was done to me. They will not spend all their adult years trying to get past me and I will do all I can to help them if the past does rise up to trip them up. I just recently discovered that I had spent 29 years of marriage allowing my husband to control me and our children so that people would "approve" of him or "admire" him. I allowed him to put them on guilt trips and perfectionism ploys and it makes me feel sick, but I can and have apologised to them for not protecting them better. I love my daughters and I am so grateful for their presence in this world. They are healthier than I was, by far, at the same age and I hope they will bring some grandchildren into the world and continue the upward trend I seek to bring into my own life. I hope they can rise higher than me.

I hope you can find a way to resolve your past so it doesn't rob your future.

Leslie and pixies