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May 12, 2009, 06:22 AM
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Member Since: Apr 2008
Posts: 265
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Quote:
Originally Posted by _embrace
I put the trigger icon on for those who might be in a rough place right now. I'm not sure how triggering it is, but I might have avoided it under certain circumstances, so here we are.
I know a number of you have been where I am right now. I did something stupid and have to tell T about it in my next session. Basically, I OD'd, but I knew it wasn't enough to kill me. It was for self-harm, but I've never used that method before. I can't explain the reasons for the switch, and I can't promise him that I won't do it again (I don't want to. I tell myself I won't, but I told myself I wouldn't ever do something like that before, too. I feel very out of control right now...i've been in sort sort of a rough patch that has been going on for a month or so)
My question is...have you ever had to "face the music" in this sense? How did your T react? I'm really scared that he's going to be a.) disappointed b.) worried or c.) all of the above. I'm afraid of what he's going to say...maybe he'll think he can't help me anymore, and send me away? I know these are those types of fears we all have, and they're probably not going to happen, but maybe they could?
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Wow, what a great post. Yes, I have been there with my therapist. I was still feeling uncertain about myself and then I was also worried about his reaction when I went to talk about him. I live with this feeling of shame, never feeling good enough and a sense that I am a failure so I was sure that he was going to finally confirm that by telling me he could not work with me and could not help. The thing is that he really did not react. He was more interested in what was going on and what caused me to take that many pills.
That feeling of out of control you mentioned is so scary and in that moment I know for me anything can happen. I go into a dark place of wanting to escape and it happened a few weeks ago. I took enough pills to not hurt myself but enough to escape.
I was already disappointed with myself and he let me know that his position was not to pass judgement but to try to help me understand my actions and find a way through them so that I can start feeling better about myself to live with purpose and clarity.
At least for me I have chosen a therapist that has been around for a while. I am not the first person to tell him things and won't be the last. It's hard for me to remember that when I am scared about coming him and talking but he calmness reasures me everytime.
Your post was insightful in that maybe you are feeling those ways about yourself, I know that for me taking too many pills or SI'ing is a way for me to give up on myself and feel my own dissapointment. I was just projecting that onto him.
Please keep us posted on what happens.
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