I entered therapy yesterday in a very confused state. Eventually when I forced myself to try and speak the fear that was going on inside for me, I found myself back in a place I thought I'd been freed from a while back, memorys of childhood. I don't know why but I ended up remembering the times my adoptive mother would "tend" to me, but she would roughly pushed me around as she washed me or dried my hair.

T said, hidden aggression! I said, yes, I wish she would have just punched me. T said, yes then it could be seen and someone could rescue you.

T said, it all felt very dishonest, you couldnt' trust anyones motives, thats right thats how it felt. I think that is why I am too truthful, infact I take truth telling to the max and sometimes got over with it, because I didn't realise how as a small child my mothers dishonesty toward me and herself effected me.

T said, it brings to mind the saying "biting the hand that feeds you", but what if the hand that feeds you also bites you?

I left the session feeling depressed, but now as is normal in therapy, when the frozen memory has been felt and cried over, the memory is more whole now, I remember it like it was yesterday and now remember also how it scared me. Before it was always one of those pictures that go through ones mind every now and again, but never any emtion with it.

I said I wanted T to see what I was seeing yesterday and to rescue me. I think today I am just grateful that someone was there with me yesterday as i relived the memory, it really is a big thing to have someone do that.