ok I went in all adult - my coolest calmest face on -

we did EMDR and suddenly I told her I felt really scared - she put her hand on my hand and then we continued EMDR - then I felt really sad...

and I said I dont want you to go.... I understand why you are going - but I dont want you to go (hmmm adult left child taken over! )

We sat and talked about that for a while and I felt better - I wasnt going to say it ... I was going to be all adult about it - but I couldnt and Im glad I mentioned it ....

then we worked on the storm of emotions I always feel is just waitning to knock me off my feet and destroy me - and the image I have in my head of a child out in the storm being pulled towards it - by the time we had finished - in my mind the little girl was able to get away and go into a house and be safe and the storm died down..

then we dealt with how I felt responsible for my mum and dads deaths (different years) because I was half a world away at the time and felt I should have been able to save them -

she told me remember you are NOT superman
I said - show me a phone booth and i'll show you!!!

and we both laughed!!!!

as I was leaving she got a phone call to ring someone urgently SO i gave her her present but didnt get to see her open it

i had bought T a card that says,

If you hold onto the handle she siad, its easier to maintain the illusion of control.

But it's more fun if you just let the wind carry you

then I wrote - thankyou for helping me realise I dont have to be in control ALL the time

acouple of months ago we had done some visualisation - we planted an apple tree in a place that used to make me sad to make it a happy place - I saw some "Apple Tree Tea" so I have bought her some to remind her of the tree we planted wrote on it - "this is from the tree we planted together"

and I left a small glass bead with Trust on it in the bag - the bag had "making a difference on it " and had a picture of an apple tree on it

I wish I could have seen her open it ...

as I was leaving I said can I ask you if I can do something innappropriate and before I could ask for a hug - she gave me a BIG hug and said "make me proud" I would never in all the universe have thought I would have asked for a hug (dont like being touched)so that was big enough but to get one without asking ....WOW!

It felt like she cared about me - and Im not used to that ... not used to thining I am worth caring about .....

oh and I stoped off at a charity shop and brought a preloved bear - looked like it needed a hug and I needed a cuddly (yes I know - at my age)

SO it went well - dont know who new T wil be - will fnd out when I make my appt in 2 weeks .... phew... very tired - sorry for long post - thankyou all for your support - it really made a difference and meant/means a lot to me.

Sittingatwatersedge - I'm sending you blanket back in the morning - I still need it tonight if thats ok - thankyou and I dont know who ate all the cookies but it wasnt me ok!

(wipes cookie crumbs from front of shirt! finishes off milk and sneaks out holding onto blanket and teddy bear !)