thanks guys.
i avoided seeing my counsellor last week but ive got another appointment for thursday and im determined to go in and talk to her. and i know every time i try and cant do it it knocks me down but i cant let it destroy my life any more.

my best friend - one of the last i havent pushed away, a girl that didnt go to my secondary school but ive known for around 8 years now - started hassling me again today. aside from my close family, the centre im being counsilled in and a few teachers at school ive made a point of not letting anyone know about my depression. meaning not my friends or boyfriend.
she wanted me to meet up with her today - i havent really felt able to leave the house in a while, and have avoided sociallising completely recently.
today i couldnt get out of that door. i felt sick. i felt tired. i just wanted to break down and cry - which i did, in my room, again. i texted her immediately saying i couldnt meet today and when she asked why i just said i wasnt in the mood to.
she said "well you're never in the mood anymore and youre never going to be in the mood. you need to get outside once in a while, you cant just lock yourself inside your room all day, it just sounds wasted. (english slang for sad, looserish, etc.)
i said id im her later.
later, i avoided iming her but felt i had to... to be honest the main reason ive kept this relationship going is the guilt of feeling as if id let her down and what happened with her brother - another thing i do need to talk to my counsellor about. shes unaware of this too.
my boyfriend was in the conversation - she'd added him and he asked me if i was ok. something which my so called "best friend" hasnt ever really asked.
and i just said a lot of stuff like "i cant take this any more, im sick of feeling like this, sick of thinking like this and sick of people like her that i know wont care or they wont understand.
i threw myself on my bed and cried and cried for the best part of an hour. he texted me asking if i was ok and i just said yup, i mustve overreacted, sorry.
all my "best friend" did was tell me and my boyfriend that i was being overdramatic.

i feel like..
depression has now torn apart my academic life, the future i once thought i could have. its all just so dark, so unfriendly, so scary and yet so empty.
its torn apart my "friendships"
its torn apart my family,
its made me loathe everything. especially myself.
and now i cant trust myself.
ive made a point of not harming - i never did do it that regularly but ive found the willpower to not cut or burn or purge - but yesterday when i couldnt sleep i just pinged an elastic band against my wrist again and again for hours, which has now left a mark, and once again, one that i feel ashamed of. its something i did when i was trying to lose weight - i fasted a few times and it was my way of stopping thinking about food. again, something i know i should talk to my counsellor about.

so im trying to keep busy, im trying to keep going... i just feel weak. tired. and i just want it to stop. my gp has told me that antidepressants may be an option but i dismissed them instantly... i feel as though my sense of reality is already weak and i want to be able to control whats left.
i haven't had any appetite for the past few days - food has become a complete chore and i find myself eating to please my family. sleeps become harder to get and then harder to hold onto - ive been awake since four am.
again... i dont know what im supposed to do.

and if i broke any rules with this post, i am sorry. i just feel like i need to let out these feelings somehow and tbh i feel like this is the least damaging way possible to me at the moment.

x