Hi, guys, I just started reading this entire exchange, and I've read it with great interest. First of all, I have something to say that's a little off the subject. Another husband and wife or couple who are both, separately, on the site? Cool!

Now, as to my reaction to all the posts. I think that as far as things I agree with, I feel Eskie summed things up the closest to what I feel, although not exactly.

Am I the only one to not see the guy as a complete jerk? I think he has a lot of problems and that he acts very inappropriately, but I do not think he fully realizes the discomfort he has been causing. I believe that if he realized he was causing this level of discomfort he might feel defensive of his actions and argue about whether or not he acted badly or offensively, but I think he would certainly stop if he actually came to believe he had created such a problem.

Whether or not you can get him to believe this is a different story. You probably can't.

I agree with others that the two of you need to talk with him together. But I feel B.C. should do most of the talking, with L.K. just agreeing and being there for support.

So, B.C., Most communication guides suggest describing specific behaviors that you don't want, using "I" language, such as, "When you say (insert one of his offensive phrases) it causes me to feel embarassed and uncomfortable. I don't know how to react, and I don't enjoy it. I would like you to stop doing it", or "When you give me a slap on the butt I feel embarassed and I don't like it. I feel downgraded, and insulted. I don't want you to do that or anything like it again". Don't get drawn into arguments about specific situations, if he says he didn't do what you say he did or if he says you behaved differently than you remember, or if he blames you or makes excuses. Just say that whatever happened, the end result was that you were not comfortable.

He may react by trying to joke it all away. He may get defensive. He may try explaining or accusing or blaming. He may get insulting. He may get pitiful.

It doesn't matter. You can control your own behavior, but you can't control his. So keep calm, and just try answering whatever he throws at you calmly, repeating that it doesn't matter why he does these things, you just would like him to stop. You can say things like, " OK, I get that you feel that way, but still I want you to quit behaving like that with me.", or, "I apologize if you were confused by the signals you thought I was sending, but I want to make it clear that I do not want you to do that any more", or that kind of thing.

L.K., try to stay calm and quiet while this is going on.

This guy may have lots of insecurities, and his wife's illness, or even some dissatisfaction he had with his marriage for a while before she even got ill, may have caused his insecurities to come out in this type of behavior.

I wonder if there are other women he also behaves this way with? It might be appropriate to gently inform him that most women do not feel comfortable with this type of approach.

I have had similar experiences with some men, and would like to share one of them with you, because I went through some of the same emotions, I think, although the situation was different. One of them was with a former neighbor, husband of a friend, and father of one of my daughter's friends. He was awful. I always felt so uncomfortable around him. I mean, at first I took his crude jokes, comments, and suggestions as if they were meant as jokes, and kind of laughed them off. I may have even replied in kind, a little, at first. But as it continued and escalated, I didn't know what to say or how to react, and I didn't know whether to regard it as a joke or not. It was hard to tell whether or not his crude suggestions were meant as jokes or whether he was serious. His wife was extremely overweight and at the time I was slender and athletic. At times he might even have seen my clothing as provocative, since I wore mini skirts and so forth. But I was not dressing that way as an invitation to him or anyone else (except my husband, perhaps). I ran five miles a day at the time, and was proud of the body I got from that, because the running was certainly a lot of work, and I felt I wanted to show it off. Probably a mistake, but none the less, it was my right to do that. But I did of course wonder whether he saw my way of dressing as some sort of invitation. I felt guilty and actually began dressing differently just because of that. Whether or not he did see my behavior or clothing as invitations, no other men behaved that way towards me, or at least no men who knew I was married. So he was unique.

One main difference is that he and my husband were not friends, and were barely acquainted, so I didn't have that complication the way you do.

I also did not know whether to talk to my friend, his wife, about it or not.

That situation resolved itself, since we moved away and our children stopped socializing. But I do know that I was terrified to confront him. I just did not know what to do or how to do it, and I did not feel I could do it alone.

This is why it is good you both know him well. You can be there for each other, for moral support.

I truly mean that I do not think this guy realizes the discomfort he is causing, or at least not fully. He may be an oblivious, boorish brute, and he may be rather clueless and stupid about these types of things.

By approaching him together in an open, non-angry way and being open and honest as best you can, you may help him learn something new, and you may be doing a lot of good for other women. If he is as insensitive as he seems, he is likely to repeat his offensive behavior with other women as well.

I understand how the two of you must feel. This sounds like a very uncomfortable situation for you. But I do admire the openess and support you are showing for each other, and for the wife and kids.

After you talk to him, you may feel you have failed to get the message across. It all depends on his reaction. But you may have gotten the message across much more than you realize. Give it a little time, and see if his behavior changes.

So I guess I agree with options 4 and 5, much like everyone else. What I do not resonate with is the anger many of the posters have expressed towards this guy. I think people have jumped to conclusions that he is nothing but a complete and total jerk. I think his behavior in this instance is unacceptable, but I doubt he is a total jerk. If he is, then how did it become a situation where you are such close, good friends. I mean, it is really hard to become close to somebody who is nothing but a jerk from start to finish, because they have nothing of value to offer. He must have some redeeming qualities for you, or he must have had them at some time.

So try establishing boundaries in the gentle way I suggested. This establishes the "rules" in a simple way that he has no reason to misunderstand.

After that, if he STILL continues to persist in the behavior, it would be appropriate to begin to react more strongly, to show anger, and so forth.

So that's my advice, to add to all the other advice you have gotten. I hope it helps.

Good luck, and I'll be thinking of you! LizzyB