Angel,
I wanted to check in and ask how you are doing...

Quite honestly, my biggest concern is how you are feeling about yourself. Yes, the addiction is giving you a rotten time right now.

Many times we batter ourselves with so many negative things that it makes it hard to stay sober and clean...jme, but I initially did not believe I was deserving of a better life.
Yeah, I was sick and tired, etc.. But I thought I was such a screwed up person that I was not "good" enough for anything else. I felt like a fake, a hateful and selfish ******, couldn't believe anyone could/should love me--and if they did, they were stupid beyond belief.
So I'd drink/use, feel guilty then do it again to deny the guilt but prove that I was a useless person.

There was no defining point for me as far as what helped me keep at it, one day at a time, relying on other people to carry me because I was a basket case...
However, Like You, there was still that little ember of hope that life could be better, than I wasn't the most terrible person that ever existed.
Others fanned that ember for me until I could do it for myself. Was I needy? Oh Yes! Was I afraid that it wouldn't last? Oh Yes!
Has it lasted? Oh Yes?! By grace I've been clean and sober so far today...I do not add up my 24 hours and strut. Each and every day I am grateful that I don't reach for mind-numbing substances.

Please accept the love and support of people here, and those irl who love you.
Angel, we care. Most of us weaved in and out of the desire to be free of the seduction of float-in-feel-good, and we understand how very difficult it can be.
But we also know what waits very patiently for us to return to it...and the danger it is hiding.

Know that you are loved,
Catherine