Hi folks.

I was doing really well up until recently. Thanks to Lamictal, although I still had ups and downs, they were quite manageable and I even managed to get promoted at work - that's a complete turnaround compared to the way it was before when I had a hard time even holding down a job due to piss-poor attendance.

Now, I'm stressed, paranoid, and very angry. I'm having the most disturbing dreams I've ever had. All my life, no matter how messed up I was, I was never the "bad guy" but in these dreams I'm doing things that are just plain awful. (Don't ask.)

I realize this may be due to the pressure of my new job, but I normally welcome a challenge and I love this new position. I just can't understand why everything should suddenly fall to pieces after so many months of doing ok.

I even had an anxiety attack today, the first one I've had in at least a year. (I honestly can't remember the last time I had one but it's been a long time.) I'm terrified all of this is going to jeopardize my job. Until today I had about a 50-50 chance of getting a second promotion - I just applied for it the other day but I had to leave work and come back today and despite the assurances from my boss that everything is ok, there's no possible way it's not going to affect my chances with filling the new opening.

I'm already on 150mg of Lamictal twice per day so I have no idea if my doc will want to increase the dose, but either way it's going to take a while before I'll get to see him and I have no idea how I'm going to keep it together at work until then.

Until this all started, I'd been very happy, in fact happier than I have ever been in my lifetime. Now I see I fooled myself into believing everything was ok when I was actually manic, just not as much as in the past, and now I'm just really angry and sad at the same time.

If you've read this far, thanks, because I don't really have a point to make. I just needed to get this off my chest.