It's not the mentioning names thing... It's the fact that they now know which forum I'm on and which posts to look at, what my login name is and can read anything I write, so can pick on it when they see me.

BUT!!!! I got an application form today to move into the flats linked to the supported housing I already live in!! Which means in 6 weeks, tata everybody from this hellhole, I'm off!! HUZZAHHHHHH!!!

Plus today I got some application forms for jobs, so should - within the next week or 2 - have a job!! Freedom here I come!

I did laugh and joke a little about it. I had a good laugh at some of the things I think and say, today at my counselling session. That was really productive once again. I was close to tears again and started to talk in a slight whisper, so I think she could tell. There have been a few times where she's said; "that makes me feel angry... That feels hurtful and sad to me, is that where you are?" She said today "When i went away last week after our session, I thought so much about you and what we'd talked about and I felt so angry at Shana... I just thought; 'how could someone that adopted a child be so cruel, so evil, so nasty? How could she hurt such a lovely, kind, caring and compassionate girl like you, someone who gives so much to people, who would do anything to help others, who did everything she could just to be loved? HOW???' God, that bloody woman! Sorry, Kirsten. She does make me angry though. Because I can sense how much she's hurt you and I know there's more, but already I can feel the pain you do and it hurts and angers me to see someone so lovely as you being hurt by someone so careless as her".

Hmmm. That was nice to think about. She asked why Shana adopted us... Hahaha! That was even funnier to talk about, but even more rage-worthy. My reply...

"She had 2 boys and one adopted boy already and wanted a girl."
"WHAT????? That's not the only reason, surely? Could she not have anymore kids?"
"Yeah, she could've buit just wanted a girl, so didn't wanna have loooooads of boys and no girl, so she got two of us... But then didn't want one of us. Heh."
"That's insane!! Any woman who adopts a child just because they want a specific sex is not right in the head at all, how on EARTH was she allowed to adopt??!! This proves to me, that this woman is the type that wants everything her way and if it doesn't go her way, she does something drastic and doesn't care about the people she hurts in the process"
"yeah... Actually... That makes a lot of sense now... She couldn't have a girl by giving birth, so didn't get her way, so tried a way that she knew would get her a girl, didn't care about the people she'd hurt in the process and as soon as she got 2 and couldn't control one like she thought she could, she did something drastic - kicked me out - hurt me, hurt my birth Mother and other members of the family, blamed me and said I walked out, making everyone feel sorry for her and believe I'm in the wrong... Therefore getting her own way..."
"Exactly! This woman has serious issues to be adopting JUST because she wants a girl. Any decent parent wouldn't mind if they didn't have a girl or vice versa. This woman will do anything to get her own way, pushing aside everyone and everything, not giving a **** about other peoples' feelings. You were passive at first, but once you met Connor and found your voice, she didn't like it and kicked you out! This makes a lot of sense now.. She blamed you so that everyone else blamed you and put on a front of being all sweet and kind to you when everyone was there, but as soon as their backs were turned, she'd hit you and abuse you in every way possible, just for not being who she wanted you to be, even though you were the perfect kid... You did everything for them, you let them push you around - just so you could be loved - and they never did love you... Which I can feel is still very raw and hurts a lot. But as soon as she lost that control in front of Connor's Mum, she had to get you out of the picture and get rid of you and the evidence, so stole your journal, kicked you out and told everyone else you walked out and lost your journal - to make them feel sorry for her, you seem bad and stop you from being a threat to her family and anyone finding out about the abuse she gave you. Damn that woman!"
"Wow."
"You are a puzzle!"

Indeed, i am a puzzle... My whole life's a puzzle.. She's said a lot that I may not have self belief YET or be able to stop being so passive YET or be able to stop feeling taht need, that desperate pleading deep down to be loved by them YET - but she will get me there. Then she wrote YET on the flip chart that was good. That was... Empowering. I do find it incredibly hard to believe that Shana and the rest of the family can't love me, though.. How can someone not love a kid they adopted? I mean... She didn't adopt me to love me, just to control me and have a girl in the family... But she got Bryony who she could control, who was just like her, who will keep quiet and be naive and believe what she says about me. My God this is horrible! How could someone not love a kid they adopted??? Just. How???

I felt great after that session... Exhausted, tired, weak... But great in the sense that we're achieving lots in these sessions.. But then again... I felt dead inside. I felt like... Like all these years I'd been so ******* naive and so damn passive and so stupid, how could I have not known? How the hell could Social Services not know???!!! Because she was SO F-CKING GOOD AT HIDING IT THAT'S WHY!!!!! I feel like I have an empty space inside me because of them... We haven't got onto the subject of my dog yet, but Sian was saying how Shana used everything that I did right, against me. She gave me things, but then took them away in other ways, or used them against me... Tp blackmail me, make me feel guilty, make me want that love from her... And now... I'm stuck in this rut. My God, I can't believe this... If you saw me when I was sat there, in that room, talking, listening, thinking... You'd have seen the shock, the wonder, the terror, the amazement at how someone could be so inconsiderate, so cruel, so evil, so nasty, so... So... Just... Inhumane... How???

I was so close to crying... I knew I was going to cry if I talked anymore. Sian did most of the talking, helping me to understand. It was overwhelming, scary, but.. Im glad we did it. I just. I don't know. I can't believe it.

I can't believe how f-cked up some people are and how f-cking stupid I was, how weak I was, how... Just how I could've let all this happen to me?