Sunrise,

Wow! You've brought up so many valid questions and concerns that I don't know where to start! I'll try to hone in on the parts of your post that stood out for me. If I'm totally off target, feel free to dismiss what I've said. I've been known to be wrong at times.

Is this the kind of thing I am supposed to discuss with him? Or should I just chase those threatened and pushed away feelings into a corner of my brain and not acknowledge them?

Does it help you to push away feelings? Would it stop you from feeling hurt and threatened? If the answer is "No," then I suggest you talk to t about it. My experience is that the more I try to stuff a significant emotion or concern, the more it nags at the corner of my mind -- and the more I try to analyze what my t meant by something she did, the more I ruminate and spiral down.

I have anxiety that if I don't have more trauma maybe I don't need to see T anymore. Is this what he is trying to tell me? "Let's get with the program, Sunny, finish your trauma work, so you can get the hell out of my office."

Could you possibly be projecting your own feelings onto your t? A part of you wonders if you are ready to quit therapy, so you are assuming t feels that way too? If t thought you had worked through your traumas and were ready to terminate, would he suggest a new form of trauma processing work? What I read what he's said, my impression is the opposite of yours: that t believes you have some additional trauma to work through, and he believes this form of processing may address that need.

I have struggled with the thought that part of why I continue to see T is because I enjoy his company rather than just for therapy. Maybe he is thinking the same and doesn't want that to continue.

More assuming. Can you think of anything t has actually said that indicates that he believes you come to therapy just because you "enjoy his company?" Or could this be more assumption/projection? (I don't mean to be unkind, I totally get why you feel bad!! But I'm trying to view this objectively. I know from my own experience that it can be so, SO hard to see things objectively when we are triggered emotionally.)

He said things about LI that were really disturbing to me. He said with LI, you don't need to spend so much time developing a relationship with the therapist. You can go right in and do the work, which doesn't foster a dependence on the therapist. The client learns to depend on themselves instead--to heal their younger ego states--and the healing of the therapy relationship is not so essential.

OK. I think these are important concerns you should definitely discuss further with your t. The t relationship IS important to most clients. If you feel that he's minimizing the importance of that, it's something to be talked through. Also, if you're ready to hear honest responses, why not come out and ask t: "Do you feel I've developed too much dependency on you and/or placed too much importance on our relationship? Is this why you want to do LI with me?" He may validate your own fears, or he may have a very different view/reason. You won't know unless you get brave and ask.

My first feeling is to want to leave therapy. If he doesn't want me there, I don't want to be there either. For me, the relationship has been a key part of healing, and if T doesn't want the relationship anymore, why continue?

Can you see how you've made your assumption into reality? You've decided that t does not want you there. Now you are reacting in a defensive way to protect yourself from the feelings of hurt/rejection: "If he doesn't want me there, I don't want to be there either." You are set to act upon an assumption that you have not checked out/verified with your t.

It would be too painful to me for our therapy to be reduced to following LI protocols.

I see this too as a valid concern. You obviously find the t relationship to be conducive to your healing. No wonder you resist a therapy technique that you believe would remove that necessary element (a definite possible "con" to LI processing)! It will be important for your t to know how you feel about this.

If I try to look at this unemotionally and rationally, I could see that LI might be interesting to try. It encompasses elements of ego state therapy, which I have loved. And I have often wanted to work on my teen-early adult years but felt that T didn't want to. I could perhaps use LI to work on this era, if he would let me.

OK. Now here's a possible "pro" for doing LI work. Perhaps after checking out your assumptions with t, you could also weigh the pros and cons of LI work, in trying to decide if it's right for you.

This other feeling is that LI is "flavor of the month" for T. First psychodrama (before I knew him), then EMDR, now LI. Perhaps T is thinking, "sunny is always so willing and capable in therapy, I will use her as a guinea pig for this new therapy I am so keen on. I can experiment on her and see if this LI really helps. I am glad she is still around so I can test out these new techniques and ideas on her. Even though she really still shouldn't be here, at least I can get some use out of her."

OK, I had to chuckle a bit here because I think that t's do tend to get excited about new processes, and particularly if they've just returned from a conference, forum, training. Your assumption that he'd like to use you as a guinea pig may or may not be accurate. But if it was, it would be important for you to ask yourself how you feel about being a guinea pig? Are you opposed to being one of the first persons to try out a new technique? If so, why? Would being a "guinea pig" be more palatable to you if you felt that the new technique had the possibility of helping you in addressing your issues?

We have gone back to having weekly sessions for the last month or so, after having been at every other week since January. Maybe T sees this as backsliding.

Maybe or maybe not. Ahhh, Sunrise! We are kindred spirits. I also am a "mind reader" extraordinaire! You most likely have a very analytical mind and just naturally try to figure things out. Unfortunately, even when we are able to put together a very believable analysis and think we understand a situation, once we "check it out" with our t, we can find out that the reality is much different. I've found out so many times that what I'd spent alot of time analyzing and figuring out was actually inaccurate once I came right out and asked my t about it. I chalk it up to having a really creative mind!

On my way out the door, T mentioned again to work on my timeline (this involves writing down one positive memory or image, in sequence, for each year of your life). I asked him if I did that, could I leave out a 20 year period? (I was kind of trying to joke that I could not recall any positive events from the 20 year period of my marriage.) He said, no, not unless I had another diagnosis I had been hiding from him. I'm sure he was just joking, but I hate the "diagnosis" word, and I did not think this was funny. It felt clinical and distancing to me. Like I am a patient and he is a clinician.

I actually wasn't sure what he meant by his comment. Taken in the context of discussing not being able to recall any positive experiences during a 20-year period, I guessed that his comment, "Not unless you have another diagnosis you have been hiding" to be a reference to DID (e.g., in other words, you have a 20-year gap in your memory that you can't account for). If that's the case, I think the joke was in poor taste. Regardless of what he meant, I can understand why you don't like the "diagnosis" word. It strikes me as sort of clinical and detached also. But most likely, he didn't mean it in a distancing way. However, because you already were feeling that he wanted to distance from you, I can understand how you would interpret his comment as distancing.

Also, recently he has begun taking notes during our sessions, which he has never done before, and this feels clinical and distancing too.

Another good issue to bring up.

I think I need to cancel our session next week. I need to think about all of this.

Have you canceled sessions before when you were upset in order to think about it? Did analyzing it on your own help you understand things more clearly? Or has it worked better in the past to go to t and present your questions/fears and listen to his explanation?

Sunrise, what I see about you is that you have a very intelligent, analytical, questioning mind. But I also see some signs of projection on your part, where you recognize your own feelings and then assume that t shares those same feelings. I also see a progression in your thinking like this:

T wants to try LI with me. . .t wants to distance from me. . .OK then, i don't want to be here either. . .I think I'll cancel.

Once we've accepted an assumption as truth, we embark on a whole chain reaction of thoughts/feelings/reactions based on that assumption. Usually, the assumption is based partly on truth: for example, the things your t said seemed to valid your assumption. But without checking out your assumption with your t and getting his feedback, you're only operating on partial information.

I hope you will decide not to cancel your session, but to go in and talk to t about your very important, very concerning questions and fears.