Rainbow,

I'm sorry to hear about your former t. Even though you didn't get overly attached with her, I'm sure you still allowed yourself to be vulnerable with her and shared some very personal thoughts and feelings with her. So there was a connection. It makes sense that hearing about her passing is going to have an effect on you. I'm glad you're acknowledging it and talking about it here.

I'm terrible at coping with loss. To me, it's about the scariest thing in the whole wide world. . .and the reason why, even after working with my t for 10 years, I STILL have not fully put my trust in her and let my guard down. I am just so terrified at the prospect of coming to attach to and love her and then have to lose the relationship. She has told me that she'll be retiring in the next couple of years, so that makes the terror even greater for me.

The old saying. . . "It's better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all". . .I still am not sure i believe this. Some of my previous losses have felt life threateningly painful. I suppose if i ever to reach a point where I am securely attached with my t AND THEN able to terminate in a healthy way, it will be miraculous.