dear diana and clan,

thank you for sharing with me. i hate that they did evil to you and then have the gall to expect you to pretend to be ok. that is sooo wrong, so cruel. they called me "titty baby" and ridiculed me when i cried over things that made me feel sad. "stop crying or i'll GIVE you something to cry about." grrrr

maybe i should be more grateful that i am able to feel, to be more human. i'd just like to declare a rule that says i get as many good feelings now as i had bad feelings then-yea, right...i KNOW it doesn't work that way but i can wish.

some of us are still very afraid of strong emotions, even good ones. afraid if i get as angry as the past warrants that maybe i will morph into a monster like them. i know with my head i WON'T, but that was one of my biggest fears was turning out to be no better, no different than them. i am different than them, though very far from wonderful. my darling daughters were never given to people to use like lab rats. i won't go there, sorry we brought that up.

things really are a bunch better than ANYTIME before may 2004, i forget that sometimes. i've had to devote most of my life to getting over my childhood and that makes me furious. it also makes me BORING to some people who just wish i could get over it and never bring it up again. what ticks me off extremely is that they don't get it. if i had one million dollars in a suitcase and could exchange it for instant freedom from my miserable past I WOULD RUN TO THE EXCHANGE. peace in my heart vs million in the bank??????NO CONTEST - PEACE WINS HANDS DOWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

if i am boring you or repeating myself...ooops. it is just so freakin hard to deal with horrified, devestated, hideous, shameful, grotesque nightmarish memories and emotions. AAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Whoever said the pen is mighter than the sword probably never tried to journal abuse memories. ok, venting over now. i know very surely that many of you have just the same kind of intense feelings and issues. i just somehow thought i was going to be "past my past" before now and farther along than here.

pixies