Jen, sorrel, Pat, comp, and cat, thanks for the kind words and support.

I'm feeling even sadder right now, because the only person I can call a friend of mine IRL who I only see a few times each summer is coming back to Wisconsin in a few weeks. Now I'm afraid to spend any time with him. He's bisexual, and if the ex finds out, that will be one more thing to use against me.

I don't even feel capable of being a friend anyway. I'm too messed in the head to do anything but bring people down with me. So I push them away before they get close, because if I let them get close, they end up wanting to escape my pitiful orbit. It's part of why I haven't tried to find a new partner. I need to try and fix me so don't I let myself get stuck in another dysfunctional relationship. And supposedly that makes me a bad parent because I've prevented getting myself into any relationships, platonic or otherwise, in order to prevent getting into toxic ones.

My daughter told me he called me a hermit last week, accused her of getting stuck in "your mom's hermit ways" because she doesn't want to go to that humongous academic camp for her first away from home trip with no friends around. I'm not a hermit. I just spent two days on a mini vacation. We went on three tours in two days and even sat at an outdoor cafe and chatted with the people at the next table. Just because I didn't get, in the span of 5 minutes, their name, phone number, and e-mail address with plans to get together the next weekend hardly makes me a hermit. The weekend of the 14th was the first one as far back as I can remember that we didn't do something. And that was because they normally would have been at their dad's and we had big plans for this past weekend, so I told them we were hanging out at home and taking it easy on spending.

I'm not a hermit. My self esteem is just so shot full of holes that I'm not comfortable starting up a conversation with anyone and everyone. When I do try, I get shooed out of the way with a "That's nice. Bye now." If I could blame it on the long lines of people behind me, I would, but it's when I'm the only one anywhere in sight and these same people talk their heads off with anyone else who stops by and actually let the lines get held up. I hate being an outsider in a small town, but I'm not a hermit. I go out and do things alone and try to pretend it doesn't bother me that, unless my kids are with me, I do EVERYTHING alone. And then I come home and feel emptier because of it, and now it's getting used to hurt me even more. As if it doesn't hurt enough already.