I know I was just a kid... I always think about this and think how immature kids are, how naive they are, you know? And it annoys me that I was so naive, so young and so... Vulnerable. It's not me that I'm annoyed at... I think... It's Them.

I have had a horrific and scary day today. I really freaked Connor out when I keeled over screaming in pain. he looked at me, grabbed my arm and said "My God, Kirst! What's wrong??? What's the matter? What's wrong?" He got so panicked. I couldn't speak, I couldn't breathe, I couldn't move. All I'd done is gone to laugh... When I managed to speak, I yelped in pain "My chest!!! It KILLS!!!!!" He brought me back up to standing in front of him and said "we're going to the drs NOW and getting you an emergency appointment. I've never seen you in so much pain!"

So we went to the drs and I have to go back tomorrow for an ECG. Ugh. The dr I spoke to asked about my sleep and I told her it's been awful. I've gone days without sleeping and told her about the nightmares and such and she said that it seems to be all linked to anxiety and to go back to the MHT, but I won't because they dropped me and gave up on me and they're crap and just made me worse. Even Abi said I seem to be better since I stopped seeing them.

So... Yeah. I could have more of a heart problem than we thought I did. Great. And all because of the anxiety, stress and other stuff that I've been under. I don't want people treating me more carefully though, like giving me less opportunities and jobs to do... What I have so far to do is:

Organise a residential, organise a trip for the residents to the Bath and West Show, get a job, get a flat, start the voluntary reception job, start the key support worker course (getting partially paid), start the horse management course in Devon, continue with breakfast club and hopefully get my driving lessons and test done. Blehhhh. So much to do all within the space of a year. Or less than a year.

I'm so stressed right now... I'm not allowed to walk, run, jump, shout, get angry, laugh, cry, bend over too mcuh or lift heavy objects, or anything at al if I can help it, not allowed to support people at least until we find out the cause of the chest pains. Hmm. Difficult already I hate this.

I've had an okay day today with achievements and such, but just... I can't relax, no matter how mcuh I want to, or how hard I try. I'm so tired, but won't allow myself to sleep yet and now I have a bloody headache!