Of course I am sick with a horrible cold, the baby was up a lot the last two nights, and I had a Lamictal rash from hell four days ago, which still makes me look hideous.

Ever since I have gotten my diagnosis, I overanalyze every tiny thought and emotion. My hubby says not to confuse the label with the identity. I can't help it. Knowing there is a monster somewhere inside me waiting for it's chance to come out just crushes me.

My T told a story about how one of her clients was pushed into a manic phase by some steroids she needed for another medical condition. I am so scared of anything like that happening to me...where I don't even realize what I am doing and my husband has to call my T in desperation dragging me along. (That's what happened to the client) I think I would just die if that happened. I would get a divorce, because the humiliation of needing my husband to monitor me like that would kill me otherwise. I would rather have cancer than have that happen. My hubby thinks I am being silly....but I have never lost insight before (even with the Zoloft hypomania)...and that story makes me think that T is trying to scare me into compliance by telling me what I will become if I don't do what she says. Well, it worked. If that wasn't the reason, what the hell was the purpose of the story?

The ER personnel said they could give me IV steroids for the rash from Hell, but I refused. All I could think about was the horrible story my T told me. I am on the Lithium, so nothing probably would have happened...but there was no way I was going to take a chance at the place where I work....so I am just taking loads of Zyrtec and Benadryl (their second choice)....and forcing myself to drink water so I don't get Lithium toxicity.I have also used the medical library at work to look up all the drugs that could cause manic switches. I will never go anywhere near any of them, even if I should.

I am just whining and ranting and wondering why I am destined to be a freak for the rest of my life. I don't even want to go to my T session today but I am guessing I should anyway. Don't really want her tracking me down after having to call her on Monday about the rash.

Nobody has to respond, it wouldn't change anything anyway.