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Tmac · May 14, 2009, 05:04 PM

I started therapy the first week of March. I have talked very little mainly because I end up dissociating. This week I was so bad she had to clap her hands like I was a dog to get me back. All together since starting therapy I have lost 4 people in my life all in their 40s. The 2 closest to me my brother and my sister in laws twin brother I use to date. My brother was April 20 the other friend was April 27th and Freddie took his own life May 2nd. All of this has made me shut down so much more emotionally. The only significant talking I did was the actual day my brother passed it was the first time I said face to face about the SA by him and a particular event. Letting lose anger is something I have never done I keep it all in. So here I am in a dilemma. I have felt uncomfortable since telling her about one incident of SA like I can not face her. The hatred inside is building with all the losses. The main reason I started seeing her was due to I disagreeault at work. I got news yesterday from an independent medical evaluation from the defense lawyers from an orthopedic. This news set me totally off. The independent doctor said he believes that my hand he thinks has reached maximum healing and that I will only be able to obtain jobs that require one hand. So my bad gut feeling about my hands been confirmed but not by my doctor who I feel has been jerking me along. So here I am and you might ask why I am posting this in therapy section. My anger let loose yesterday in a totally nasty email to my T. She sent another one back telling me I am tough enough to rise above it all....yadda yaddda typical therapist talk in my mind. This spurned yet another nasty email to her. I have not heard back and am afraid to go to my session on Monday. Between telling her about my SA dealing with all the deaths and now the news that yes I have a totally useless hand making me feel more depressed useless and worthless. I was already ashamed of going and facing her after talking about the SA and even more so now that I have literally exploded on her. This all in the face of disputing with her that I do not need to be in the hospital which she keeps saying she thinks I need to be safe. I am just wondering if anyone has been in a position similar to this or have had so much shame they did not think they could face their T again.

Oh and this comes on top of me telling her I whispered into my brother ear while in the ER when they were saying he would be fine that I hoped he died. She told me she said that to herself bout her 86 year old father because he has dimensia. (sorry cant spell or think straight right now) Anyway my response to her was kind of nasty at that point too. Her comment was supposed to make me feel better and it did not. My reply was Well you said it to yourself not to your father who when died like I did with my brother. I am so conflicted on my brother right now I did love him and I hated him and wanted him dead. I feel like a horrible person because I got my wish or what I thought would make me feel better. Instead all I can think about is how self centered I was to say it and even more confused as to how I could still love an animal. I do not want to go back to the T because she is going to try to push me being in the hospital again which I refuse and I have to face the facts that I have been a total ****** to her. Honestly deep down inside my MO is pushing people away who point out to me the fact that they really do care. Basically I do not think I am strong enough to handle therapy especially since I dissociate so much which makes me feel like more of a freak. Any suggestions? I feel like Meryl Streep in the movie "Death Becomes her" where her head is on backwards.