Well, first, lots of safe to you. I'm so sorry you've been through so much lately.

As for having so much shame I did not think I could face T again? Oh, yeah. FOR SURE. But I have just kept dragging myself back in there, twice a week, for over a year and a half. It used to be SO hard, it would literally make me sick. To open up about such big secrets is scary.

I dissociate a TON in session. A TON. I used to be really embarrassed by it, but now it's just a normal day in therapy. It took a long time for me to accept that about myself, but in some ways, I'm learning that the more I know about myself and my triggers, the better my chance of healing.

My T has only "brought me back" in a kind of forceful way once. He is usually VERY gentle, or just works with whatever part of me is left there when I dissociate. Clapping loudly feels like it would be kind of startling and scary. If you don't like how that feels, maybe you and T could talk about other ways to help bring you back into the room.

How do you feel about this T? Do you feel any sort of connection with her?? It's still so early in your therapy, and not everyone stays with the first therapist they try.

((((((((((((((((((Tmac))))))))))))))))) Hang in there...you have a lot going on.