I guess we'll find out today and hopefully get it soretd. I was up all night last night with the pain and have been feeling horribly sick this morning. It's been horrible

I've got the appointment today to see what's happening with my body. I wouldn't be surprised if it was due to anxiety.
It got worse after my twin sister snapped at me with a really harsh comment. Remembering what Sian said about showing people that I won't let them push me around, I gave as good as I got and told her a piece of my mind. She didn't like it and came back with some really harsh, pathetic stuff but then realised that her friends would see it, so deleted it off my facebook page. Ha. She got stuck when I agreed that I'm a waster because I live in the YMCA and am on benefits and I just said "HELL F-CKING YEAH, I'M A WASTER!!! AND I'M PROUD OF IT!!!" Because I know that this is not true and I know that she would have got stuck because I'd agreed with her. It worked. I know that I work my arse off to get myself somewhere.

She decided to say that no-one can be a singer with sliced up arms and I'm living in a dream world. Ha! So one of my friends commented and said "Uh. Lilly Allen?" I loved it! Although some of the things she said really struck a chord with me, I had to laugh at her piteous efforts to bring me down so low as her. She makes me sick with how nasty she is. Another person was asking where it all went wrong saying we've been through so much together and now what, we hate each other's guts? So I explained where it all went wrong and she said that no matter what has happened we're sisters and should still be close. I just told her straight that we would be close if it wasn't just me pulling all the weight, making all the effort and her coming back at me with b-tchy comments. She could perfectly understand that but was sad to see that twins that should be so close are actually worlds apart.

I know Bryony... But she doesn't know me anymore. She thinks she knows me, but she really doesn't. She said she wishes things were different. The only thing that she wishes was different is if I didn't have Connor, if I was still naive, if I was still with that family and letting them use me as their punch bag, and if I was still passive and a nobody and just a skeletal nothing taht they could beat all they wanted and get away with it. Not anymore. No.

She told me how her "parents" have bought her a beautiful flat and car and everything and how she's getting somewhere in the world. I know she'll not be able to cope alone. She relies on them far too much and always will. It shows in the fact that they bought her the flat (which means they've kicked her out! As I predicted!!) and they bought her the car, paid the insurance, tax and MOT and are paying the rent and everything for her flat. Does that not show how dependable she is on others? I think so. She may be getting somewhere in the world, but none of this is done by her she got her job because Shana and Patrick went around asking for jobs for her, she got the flat because they looked for it and paid rent etc, she got the moped because they paid for it, her insurance, tax and her license, she got the car because they paid for it, the lessons, the test, the MOT, the insurance and tax, she got her "friends" because of bullying and partying, sleeping around all the time which is apparently a good thing? She got into college because they fought for her to get onto the higher course because she did so rubbishly at school because she p-ssed about with boys and bullying, she's getting into the army because they want her to because it's the easy option for her. Pff. And she thinks she's independant??? Far from it!

I hate to sound b-tchy, but it's so true! Comparing myself to her, I'm proud of myself. I may be living in the a place with a bad reputation and bullying etc, I may not have a job yet, I may have dropped out of cllege (which she doesn't know about), I may not have a car or my own flat or a moped or loads of friends... But what I do have, I am thankful for and the friends I do have are friends that actually care all her friends are interested in is booze, boys, sex and drugs. Ugh. At least I can say that I'm gtting a job and will have got it myself, that I am earning the money myself and paying for a flat myself, and paying for lessons, insurance, tax, a car, MOT, myself, and got into college myself, got the grades I did at school myself - I was never supported by them at all! I may have dropped out of college, but I have made the decision to do animal courses, counselling courses, key support working courses MYSELF. All this I have done by myself and off my own back and made the conscious decisions to do these things. There are so many other things that I have done BY MYSELF and she hates it. She can't stand that I'm doing so well for myself, slowly but surely and that it's all because of ME, nobody else but ME.

Oh I make myself proud when I think of all the things I have done off my own back, yeah, with a little support along the way, but everyone needs that sometimes, especially at such a young age. All the time making the right decisions for ME, all the time doing what I know is RIGHT for me, all the time doing this by myself and no-one else, FOR myself and no-one else. She hates it. She hates that I;m so independant. She hates that she can't do it all herself and I can. She told me "You left me, abandoned me, you walked, Kirsten and I give up on you now. I quit with this. It ends now."
So I told her she's always been a quitter and always will be, I never quitted on her and never will, i always hoped that she'd change and see the light and always will, i always hoped that someday we'd be sisters again and always will. She got mad and said she's not the quitter, I am.

WHAT????!!!! She really doesn't know me!! All the time that I've struggled, I've given up ONCE. That was when i ended up in hospital after an overdose when my whole life crashed down on me, but when things have been even worse over the past 6 weeks, have I self harmed? Have I ODed to die? Have I tried to get killed some other way? Have I stopped trying, stopped pushing? NO. I pushed myself ever harder, even though I KNEW it'd have long term bad effects for me. I reached out for the help I knew I needed and I finally got it. I tried my damndest to push on and get my life back on track. And am I there? Not YET as Sian always says now. But she will get me there and I will get me there. I won't give up. Not like Bryony has.