((((shezbut)))) - thank you for your kind response, sweetie. i'm sorry you feel down about this too. i think low (no) self esteem does have a large part to do with it. have you found anything helpful in changing those sorts of pattens? this is what i think i need to start addressing.

ktgirl - you're always a gorgeous, compassionate person around here . thank you for being so kind and accepting. the bit i feel gross about is that i asked other adults for it, not kids. i could almost get it if it was something i did with my peers because maybe then i had a chance of being in control. but playing into the dynamic that i did, over and over, it is like i just encouraged it. i didnt want the specific acts to happen, but i knew that if they did then those adults would love me more.

i guess i am lucky i ended up being sent to an all-girls school, with no male teachers, because my opportunities to act out dramatically reduced after that.