find my power? i've been clinging to what pathetic shred i have of power to remain alive for my whole life. i am weak and helpless because i am weak and helpless. an ant can believe he is worthy and great and capable of healing but he'll still be helpless when the person stomps on him.
That shred of power got you this far; it must be one helluva strong shred. Sometimes shreds are all we have to make it...don't discount its' value to you, please.
Feeling weak and helpless does not make you these things. That feeling will however keep you trapped in a vicious cycle of hate and anger. It's exceptionally hard to change the perception we have of ourselves...part of the reason we crack the door into our house of hurts is to hear loving people reassure us. That reassurance, although we may be skeptical, feeds us so we get through another exhausting hour.
why make the effort of going through hell to heal when i know i will be stomped on again?
There are no guarantees in life, good or bad. It's possible to be cautious without concentrating on the What-Ifs or using an extra strength magnifying glass to find the tiniest flaw, within ourselves, within other people.
safety is a lie, happiness is a lie when your eyes have been ripped open to see the horror that is this world, that's what this feels like
Griffe, you are digging your way out of years of horrific experiences. Sharing them and your feelings is a huge step.
It's also a painful one, full of rage and hopelessness and despair. Every one of those feelings, and possibly more, are going to blindside you...a strange sort of normalcy in recovery.
It would feel like bricks were being thrown at me and I could not dodge them no matter how hard I tried. Each one of those bricks were things I needed to face, find the mustard seed of courage, and do everything I could to fight them.

I got freaking tired and mad about doing it so many times. It was not going to stop because I denied them, there were far too many of them.
I felt like my heart was a pin cushion for huge pins of grief and sorrow using it for target practice...and a magnet for all the crap in the world. In all honesty, that's exactly what I was until I let go of the idea that I was the scum of the earth.
I had days of battle, I had days of rest. Every once in awhile I had 45 seconds of peace.

Pardon this visual, but once you start vomiting these things ya can't put 'em back. They stink, they are ugly, But They Are Also Out Of You.
Pissy place to be, isn't it?
You will reside in that place for a bit then move to an easier place to be. Each place grows into something better even if it is but one iota better.
Iotas grow and come together

Catherine