I'm so sorry about your loss. A broken marriage is always a difficult thing to have to go through. It's perfectly natural that your emotions are on a roller coaster - that's very normal in your situation. Does not mean it's easy, just normal. You don't have to be strong. Find some help and support for yourself. Gather round you all your supportive, caring friends and family. Find a therapist. That would be very helpful to you right now. And keep posting here, you'll find many caring and supportive people here. Take care of yourself. Break down, cry, be angry, feel weak, feel what ever you are feeling. That's okay. You need to accept all your feelings - doesn't mean you have to act on any particular feeling. You need to go through the grieving process. It will take as long as it takes. Everyone is different.