My Support Forums - View Single Post - Caring for mother who will not help herself

(JD) · May 16, 2009, 06:39 PM

As an adult you now have you own set or rules that you live by, and not the ones that your mom had for you growing up. She has to respect your rules for yourself as much as her rules she wants to follow for herself. It isn't one way any more.

You simply must do good self care first. If you don't she will burn you out, then you will not only still have your guilt but added because she'll either "force" you to continue while drained, or will browbeat you for not helping. Either way you lose.

If she isn't happy no matter what, then why suffer with her? You have to draw the line somewhere, and it needs to be where you are comfortable with it. I'm sure your T will help you personally find where that is. Trust T.

Recently -as you may know my mother is in failing health - we ran into a glitch with the new administration's rules for mortgages in trying to take equity out of mom's home to help pay for her to be home with 24 hour care. Another family member was aghast when I stopped them mid-sentence in their plans for the whole family to contribute money. I told the family member, No. Mom has her money, she isn't getting mine. Now that might sound cruel, but it isn't my issue that her money is safely (too safely) stored in her home equity and can't touch it yet. (I think this will work itself out, personally.) I need to have my monies for me, and safe where I can have them to use for my own care. It's a boundary I just cannot cross for anyone.

May you find a resting place.