dear friends in the "club" we never wanted to join,

you all are really great people. as tough as things are for us, you all show so much humor and kindness and depth of character. i appreciate you very much.

last night, or should i say early this morning i wrote and wrote and wrote in my journal on the computer and i finally got some words out and felt better.

have you ever gotten stuck with the tiny thorns on some cactus plants?? they are practically invisible and yet they hurt like crazy and will drive a person wild until they are all out!!! that was what it was like inside of me. things hurting and i could NOT settle down until they all were out.

i am in mid-life revision and having to deal with all the hopes i had that never happened and having to deal with the deep disappointment i feel over my marriage. almost 30 years together and we are practically like strangers sharing the space of our home. add that to the volatile emotions of someone with DID and someone who is a workaholic and life gets darn prickly!!!

i can't say i came up with some awesome resolution to midlife questions, but i remembered that God has helped me get this far and He will help me get through all of this too. i could not have lived this long without God's help, even though some of my experiences with others who say they know God have been hurtful. part of this midlife time has been letting go of my "illusions" about life, people and God. i've absorbed more nonsense from hollywood and novels and tv than i realized. ALL problems do not get solved in one hour and neatly wrapped up no matter how complex! All people who misunderstand me or mistreat me DO NOT "see the error of their ways"! All stories of life do not have "happy endings" and "time doesn't heal all wounds"!

i've had alts who were complete pessimists, some were completely sour about mankind, others were unrealistically optimistic - like "Pollyanna" and a good number simply had very narrow perspectives on life based on abuse or pain or ignorance. sometimes this is more torturous than the abuse we endured as a child. having one's mind in an uproar of confusion and tangles of thought can be horrific and miserable.

ok, philosophical meanderings aside, i am no longer mired in confusion - which is awesome, but i am also no longer filled with unbounded hope either. being less extreme has got to be a good thing, but i am really bummed that i will not get some storybook ending of walking into a glorious sunset with my one true, enduring human love. instead i will continue to live one day at a time, even one hour at a time with both good and bad moments, with boredom and epiphany mixed throughout. the only time of complete healing, peace and joy will come in eternity.

we just HAD to write all that and truly hope we did not bum anyone out too bad. for 95% of our life we have lived somewhere else than reality. coming to grips with real life and accepting it for what it is and it is not is a part of our healing. to survive childhood we read hundreds of books and lived inside of them, inside our system, inside our own mind. we decided, after 55 years of life that we should learn how to live inside of life and stop trying to make a fantasy bubble that would last through the storms of life.

one of the truest things about having a dx of DID is that "DID will save a child's life but ruin an adult's life"! DID gave me ways to escape unbearable pain, fear and insecurity as a little girl, but it has stood in the way of almost all of my goals as an adult. AND SO, that is why i continue to go to therapy and seek help. i want to live at peace in the adult world.

if you are still reading this, bless your persevering nature! sometimes i HAVE to keep writing until i say what i need so badly to hear. i am so glad i found psychcentral and you. hugs,

Leslie and lots of pixies