muffi,

i got married at age 26 and believed that i was a virgin. this was important to me because of my spiritual beliefs. my first night of marriage was terrifying to me and i thought, "oh well, i'm just nervous cos its the first time."

fast forward about 10 years and i am having flashbacks to memories of sexual things happening to me that are WAY wrong. i am in my 50's now and still dealing with the after-effects of being sexually abused and traumatized from infancy until somewhere in my teens.

random memory, at age 9ish of mom taking me to doctor because i had an early menstrual period. in truth i did not start having periods until i was 14. when i was 9 i was raped and got blood on my underwear and can remember biting a small wart off my finger, a few days later, so i could drip blood on a pad and keep up the pretense of menstruating.

i share this stuff, not to gross you out, but because i gradually discovered things that happened to me were not the norm - they were harmful to me. as a result of abuse, i lived life on several levels at the same time. on one level i believed my life as a child was "happy and ok". on another level i had some sexual experiences that i could not really understand or deal with so i coped as best i could and then forgot them. on other levels not known to me until later, i had extreme sexual experiences that were severely hurtful to me as a person. i am still seeking peace and recovery from this.

i am a mom of 2 daughters and as a mom i would be very concerned if i learned that my child was going through the kinds of experiences you have bravely shared with us. my oldest daughter did tell me her cousin was wanting to do the "you show me yours and i'll show you mine" game over and over. as far as i know this was not abuse, but just curiosity. i personally do not think children are able to handle extensive sexual activity beyond some curious exploring of their own body and it's sensations. for a child to have regular sexualized games with certain children and to ingest urine or feces sounds unhealthy and even dangerous on a physical level (as well as harmful on an emotional level). somehow inside i think it must be concerning to you also.

i believe what i experienced as a child was abuse because it was "age-inappropriate", it caused me shame, fear, distress, it caused me to be afraid of any sexual contact from any gender. when i first began to be asked out on dates i was completely terrified, but told myself i was just "nervous" because dating was a new experience. i could go on and on, but don't want to say too much or be boring. my point is that the older i got the more the topic and experience of sex became troubling to me, in marriage this all got worse and when my children were tiny i became obsessed with their safety and protection at all times and had fears of them being molested. when i finally began seeking help it became apparent that my fears were based on my own experiences of sexual assaults and mistreatment.

only you can know what you think or feel on any subject and you will have to decide whether or not you feel you need some help or support to sort through your life and experiences and their effects on you. i truly hope you find all you need to live in peace and health. feel free to pm me if you have questions or i was not clear.

Leslie