Hey everyone, thanks for all the great words of support. The problem that I am having is my guilt and he's making it abundantly clear that I am not perfect, which I never claimed to be. The last couple of days have been difficult, our lease is up at the end of June so I decided to at least wait until June 1st to move out. He's been completely cold and has somehow turned it around to make me feel like he is leaving me. I have told him so many times that all he had to do was pick up a phone and call someone for help and anger management and at least it would prove that he cared and wanted to try so the other day he mentioned it and followed up with "what would be the point?" As if three children and seven years of marriage aren't worth it. Then he completely flipped it, see a while back I cheated on him. It was so stupid and I was drunk and angry because I found out that he had gotten a girls number and was in a hotel room with her. Turns out it was true but he swore that she was "just a friend" and I thought to myself when the situation arose that after years of putting up with all of this and being a good wife. Standing by his side no matter what he called me, who secretly was meeting and emailing, how many girls he was talking to, I would finally be able to do something. Anything that I could keep from him and that way when he lied to me again it wouldn't hurt so much because we were on an even playing field. It was childish but at the time with way too much alcohol and a professional hockey player it seemed like it was a win win. Unfortunately or fortunately, I discovered that I was nothing like him. I felt ashamed and I couldn't live with it so I told him. He said that he forgave me, that after years of putting up with his lying that he could get past it and that while he wouldn't be able to trust me for a while he still loved me and wanted to be with me.

So now, the last two days that's all he talks about. He had me thinking that he actually left me, I was almost begging him to take me back. He told me that he loves me but that he was never in love with me and that we could have been great if I just hadn't threatened to leave. He said because I told him we were done that he got used to the idea and wants nothing to do with me. He said that he can't live with what I did to him and I ruined everything. A part of me so wanted to believe that because what I did was so completely out of charactor, I wanted to make him forgive me and take him back. When I started to cry he said that he had to be cold because I "wouldn't get it" if he wasn't and that he never respected me before so why should he start now? So by this time I am sobbing and literally just wanted to die. I'm begging him to just tell me that he loves me still and to take it all back. To tell me that the three beautiful children I have brought into this world and all those years together meant something to him even if he didn't want to be with me. Instead he tells me that I am mentally unstable and crazy and now that's the other reason he is leaving me. I started feeling like I can't do it, for a few days I really felt like I could make it on my own but sitting there in front of him with him telling me how much happier he will be once I was out of his life, I started to freak out. I've been so down the past few days, I haven't been eating and I just keep having these stupid pity parties where I don't want to get out of bed.

That's when I realized what he was doing. I said I was leaving him but he completely turned it around so that he is in control. So that it would be up to him if he wants to take me back, it's so completely manipulative and as much as I am scared out of my mind that I can't do this, I don't want him having that control over me anymore. He's left me before and I've always asked him to come home, so when he's done living the single life he comes back to me but not this time. Even if I don't feel it, I have to fake it. I have to regain control of the situation and let him know that this was my decision and not his. I went to my courthouse and got divorce papers, he will have to sign them tonight so I can go get it notorized tomorrow. I went down to welfare, even though I am kind of prideful and while I respect people need it I never wanted to be that person who accepted it, but that's why it's there rigtht? That's why we've paid taxes all these years. So it's not much but it's a start. I've been applying for jobs everywhere and hopefully one will come through and my classes start tomorrow. I still feel like my heart is breaking, I do love him and I know that sounds stupid. I used to see women all the time with abusive husbands on television saying that they stay because they love them and I would call them idiots and change the channel. Who knew I would be one of them? I've just never been in so much emotional pain in my life, I feel like the past seven years were wasted on someone who doesn't love me and I would give anything to make him love me but I can't. So now that I've written a novel, my adventure is about to begin I guess.