(((hunny))) (((Calista+12))) (((elysium))) (((abbi))) BIG THANKS AND A HUG!

we appreciate your sympathy, empathy and humor. my youngest daughter turned 19 in 2006 and got married the next day! ARGH. they have done fine together but i had "thought" i would have her at home another year at least and for these last 3 years i have let the quiet collect around me and quit trying to frantically push myself to heal - which is the best thing i've done for me in a while.

doing it though i finally had to stop and look at all i'd been distracting myself from. i caught a lot of grief from the workaholic spouse who can not imagine that sitting still can produce anything good. so, it has gotten to be really challenging. however, it has also finally broken down much denial and enabled me to stop blocking my feelings.

so, it feels so bad and it is sooo good for me. and being me, sometimes it just p**** me off real big!

my daughters and my relationship with God have kept me from self-destruction in painfully hard times and i am so grateful for both. i have been so grateful to find my girls turning into good women whom i can honestly like and admire. i was so happy we got through the teen angst and rebellion so quickly and have genuine affection and respect among us. my daughters both believe that i am DID (my spouse does not) and their belief in me has been an anchor and a hope. people overlooked my abuse and misery in my childhood and my spouse's indifference is hard to take. so i appreciate my wild babies soo much.

my oldest is getting some therapy help and that is so cool, she will not make lots of painful mistakes and then spend the rest of her time recovering. i pray my youngest will too. my great big goal for my daughters is that they would not hurt like i did and that they would not need to "recover" from being born to me. they are doing well, they have their problems and all, but they are okie dokie!

thanks for listening to me and being so kind and encouraging. motherhood is the only thing besides being a "Jesus Freak" that i've ever felt i did wholeheartedly. letting go of my babies and stepping back is really hard. i tell my daughter's husband and the other's husband-to-be that i will love them as much as my own daughters but if they ever mistreat my girls they better FEAR THE WRATH OF THE MOMMA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! then i look them straight in the eyes and let them know i am NOT kidding. GRRRRR. ok, maternal rant over now.

thanks for being here!

Deborah (leslie's lioness)