I know crazys a bad word. i never liked being called it. I always smile and say everything is good. You know what its like to have so many gaps in memory. nothing makes sense. i know i was hurt, just dont know how bad. dont know exactly either. my hubby start calling me belle. i never had a typewriter. how you type your voice. the words look the same, but I am always talking in the southern. I never had names for anyone but he says the names make it easier to refer to eachother. So being a southern belle.
I dont know how this works. I know i been sick a year and they tell me nothings worng. they say go to therapy. i tell therapist i am fine. I tell him i am not mentally ill. I tell him i am doing better than ever without meds. But something happened. Now we are here. now i see things clearer. i just been taught i put on a happy face and so i do. but it is like if i ever tell someone what happened they ebd up in therapy or i hvae to stop em from crying. I dont want to have to console people anymore. I been hurt bad. i know. i never know whos messing with my head.
I making sense out of it. But then i feel i am making it up. people see my family as loving. they say they are the most normal functioning family. they say they wish they had my parents. but why the dreams? why the memories? i feel like i need to punish myself for even thinking they could've been bad. I feel they are gonna read this and i be punished. I feel i am making it up and it cant be true but the peices fit so well that it makes a horrible picture. An i dont like what i am seeing. thats for sure.
I am thinking one of me is bulimic. I been accused of it by hubby. all i ever remember is being sick. I dont remember doing anything on purpose, but no doctor can find anything wrong. And my mommy told me i would be fat an no one would want me she did. she told me that.
i thought i was better. now i know why meds had little effect. my angry side scares me. she is so mean. but she is so hurt. i dont know what to do. i feel i am either so crazy i am making it all up or it is true and this is real. And that i been this way. I read about the host a bit. i think the host is the only one whos ever been to therapy. cuz no ones allowed to know. If i tell the truth i will be hurt. But no wonder no ones seen it. My host is what i been trained. I smile and tell them its alright. i be kind and saynothing ill or wrong. but its not true. we need to let them know. its not okay. someone needs to know. but we be so scared. you only get rewarded to be punished. thats my life. its like getting a piece of candy and then being beat. it no feel good but evryone i known is like that. they only give good and they hurt you.
I think my hubby brought me out. I think we feel safe enough. but me as agirl. i as a kid. i wants to play and have fun but i is so scared that i stay back. i hide cuz i so scared. me as a kid no want to come out. evry time theys hurt me. me as a kid. I wants to play and theys hurt me. so i pretend i am adult. but i will be holding bunny. people dont know. then they ask things. is dont want to hear. is just a kid and theys hurts me. I ask the to tell me story and they be gross. i want to hear bout bunnies playing in the field, but i dont hear about that. i hear bad stuff. i dont know who ia m
I dont know whats going on. I thought thi a possibility long ago. It was all dismissed. So i figured fine. it aint whats wrong. I am just depressed as they say.
I am even scared to talk here. i am sure you had bad things too. scary things. we all been hurt bad i think here. and i dont want to hurt anyone here by telling my stories. even the people who are supposively sane seem to run to therapy after i tell them my stories. they cannot deal even though it never happened to them.
I hope therapy comes soon. i called him today. i want to get in monday. i dont know if i can. I had to cancel seeing grandma and i cant sleep.
i am afraid to sleep. never knew why. I still unsure.
well im sorry if i upset anyone. I nevr mean too. wheres can we go to talk about the bad things. is dont want ot upset anyone. and they pretty bad.
I also dont kknow what triggers. i have so many. i am fraid of a lot. things people dont get. i hate chewy noises. i hate them and no one knows why. I am gonna go. yous all sound like nice people. You sound nice, but still scared. aint no one loved me who isnt gonna punish me. aint no one. i thinks my hubby might be good though. I think he does love me. I never seen such a thing before. i never did. i still scared it gonna be bad though. I aint never been loved without being hurt.