For some, it's a wake up call - like a big flashing sign and they just "get it".

For others (like me) it's sometimes a day-to-day thing. For me, I know rationally that it wasn't my fault. If another person had been in my situation and was like me - and then told me about the experience, I'd tell them it wasn't their fault. So what gives me the right to say it WAS my fault, when if anyone else was in my shoes I'd tell them it wasn't??

That's my sort of wake up call. Treating myself not like how I want to be treated, not treating myself like I feel I deserve to be treated ... but treating myself how someone else who was exactly like me would be treated by me. Put someone else in your shoes, and see how you'd react to them. What you'd say, what you'd do... now, assuming that we're all nice people here, I'm going to bet we'd treat a person who has suffered like we have pretty well.

Then we need to start doing small things to be nice to ourselves.

Perhaps realize that maybe one part of the incident/experience wasn't in our control. That's what it is, control. Not that it's our fault - but that we didn't have the control in the situation so we assume that it's fault. Control makes the world go round... and it's not a bad thing, but it can be a detrimental thing.

Or you could do something like a personal mantra...

"It was not my fault. It was not my fault. It was not my fault" ... rinse, repeat as necessary.

I'm going to share something here that I haven't even written down for you all yet (I was going to post in Psychotherapy, lol) ... my therapist this week wrote me down something, apparently something she wants me to remember.

"I did the best I could with what I had".

It's maybe not saying "It's not my fault" but it's a good first step to getting there. If you consider all of your skills/talents/whatever you had that was working for you in the "bad situation" ... we mostly realize we didn't exactly have the most control over things. And that sucks to realize. And then we realize that we tried our best to protect ourselves, and we tried our best to be good to ourselves - and then we realize that in all situations of abuse - it is a control thing for the abusers. THEY want to control us. We just want to control ourselves. You realize ... over what can be a long period of time ... that you DO have control now. You might not have before, but you do now. You can fight back. You can place the blame where it's due ... on the shoulders of those who have hurt you.

But that takes a lot of time and a lot of effort and don't stress yourself out trying to change overnight... because we're all still learning, it's a constant process of forgiving ourselves.