I was SA as a young child. I should've told, but it was my fault because I never should've gotten on that boy's bike to take me home. I should've yelled for help as it was happening, but I had no voice.

I was beaten by my parents and I WANTED it. I felt as though I deserved it for being such an unruly teenager. They couldn't control themselves. I made them do it. I apologized to them when I became an adult for making things so difficult for them. For being such a stubborn teenager.

I was SA as a teenager more than once, and I let it happen. I didn't retaliate, and I didn't escape. I didn't report it. I failed.

I was SA by my husband and a neighbor a few months ago. I could've made a different choice. Things could've been different. But I was afraid.

I used to cut....I forgot about that for the last 15 years. Cutting felt good.

And now I have the urge to cut again....all of a sudden....out of the blue. I am fighting that urge...and I am afraid to tell my T about the urge, because I don't want him to think I'm an unfit parent.

My mom and sister made a surprise visit to me today. They know I've been in a funk and that they felt it would be good for me to have their company. They had good intentions, but I just wanted to scream. I wanted them OUT...and ended up taking an Ativan just to get through the visit.

All of this is hitting me like a ton of bricks, just in the last week. I need to find some way to get all of this out of my mind. I need to suppress it until my next session with my T, because it's all too overwhelming.

I am a smart, funny, fun, loving, caring person who is a good mother and provider....I don't know why I can't feel that right now.