Hey, we're all manipulative a bit. It's just when you realize it that you've got the most control over yourself and your actions. We all have control issues too, even if we don't always realize it. Like me... I'm "codependent", my life is founded on trying to make other people happy with me - if I can help others, if I can make other people happy, if I can "fix" others, that means I can feel good about ME. It's not about the person I'm trying to help ultimately - it's about ME. My feelings of inadequacy and hating myself. Not the other person.

(Actually I just figured out that second last line just now. Thanks! More self discovery...)

Wanting attention isn't bad. Wanting affirmations from others isn't bad. But making it your whole life and purpose is rather unhealthy. You've figured out your behaviour - now you can change it, it just takes a lot of effort. Perhaps something to discuss with the pdoc or a T?

You are not "bad". Your pdoc is ultimately not "good". You are both ultimately human though, with the good and the bad.

Wanting control over things isn't bad. It does become unhealthy and unwanted by others when you try to overtly control them though (take that advice from me from personal experience). I'm seen as a "mothering figure" by my friends. I will mother people to death if I could... part of my nature, I guess as a woman we've all got it to an extent. But part of it IS because I want to have people to depend on me, because that would make me feel better about myself. It's like having a kid simply because you want someone to love you unconditionally. It's a bad and unhealthy idea! Get a dog instead.

You learn to parent yourself by, at least in my case - NOT LISTENING TO YOUR PARENTS. Especially if they're the primary "abusers" in your life or you come from a dysfunctional family like me. Helpful advice isn't exactly helpful if it's hurtful, ultimately.

You parent yourself by sometimes acting childish. Allowing yourself to do some things that kids do. By allowing yourself to explore and experience healthy things you never got to as a kid. Hang out with young children. I love doing it, because it allows me to re-experience aspects of my childhood in a new way, and it's eye-opening and really fun! Try constructing proper boundaries. Go to therapy. Allow yourself to say "NO" on occasion (lots of kids aren't allowed to say no when they're young and wind up messed up later... a parent should allow a kids decision on occasion. It builds esteem and self-reliance!) Read lots of books on the topic (there are tons on the "inner child" at bookstores, some good and some are bad... read some of a book before you buy it ). Find a fun hobby that is childish (to some). I love stickerbooking. I also act a lot like a kid according to many people... learn to laugh. Learn to smile. Step in mud puddles. Do fun things.

I have a rebuttal to your second question. It's not that nobody wanted to look after you... it's that they were messed up in their own ways (not excusing their behaviour) and didn't know how to react properly. Parenting classes are wonderful things. I think everyone should be forced to take one before they become a parent - with a mandatory passing grade. (Oh, how I wish...). Okay, nobody cared enough about you then - that really sucks. But YOU care about you now. You cared enough to go get therapy. You cared enough to post this post. You cared enough to join PsychCentral for help. You cared enough about yourself to question what's happened to you in the past. YOU CARE ABOUT YOU. Even if it's not always apparent.

Here is the reality: In the world, there are over SIX BILLION people. That's a lot of people! A wonderful email I've read before says that every day (at least) someone, somewhere, is thinking of you fondly and cares about you. At the very least - one person cares enough about you to think about you. It doesn't seem very comforting when you're by yourself though, right? Do you own a pet? If you don't - I recommend it. Highly. I own three rats ... they honestly sometimes are the only reason I get up in the morning. They love me, in their own way. Even if that means grooming my eyebrows.

Everyone is worthy of love and respect. What makes you so special that you're not worthy of the love and respect that everyone else deserves? Are you "sub-human"?

The last paragraph is supposed to sound a bit ... not nice. It was said to me, and it hurt and annoyed me. But it was useful. We think that we dont' deserve good stuff because of past events, and past people. The thought pattern is - "if someone in the past didn't care about me, then why should I care about myself?" Or "if someone hurt me before, someone else will hurt me again in the future". It's a negative tape in your head that keeps shouting the same old thing over and over again until its engrained.

But...

It's WRONG.

You ARE worthy of love and respect.
You DO deserve to be cared about.
You ARE good.



Quite welcome, I hope I didn't ramble too much again.

You aren't bad, nor tainted. You are a lovely person, and I'm thrilled to know you - even if it's just through the computer, on an interent website community.