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Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions
I was SA as a young child. I should've told, but it was my fault because I never should've gotten on that boy's bike to take me home. I should've yelled for help as it was happening, but I had no voice.
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And I shouldn't have thought that a stranger would be nice to me and give me a ride. And I shouldn't have been downstairs alone with my stepdad watching movies while the rest of my family was asleep. We all have "shoulds". I know it's hard, but stop torturing yourself. We have all of these "alternate scenarios" in our head about how things COULD have gone, SHOULD have gone, MIGHT have gone ... but unfortunately, we can't change the past.
Okay. So you made a mistake. You trusted a boy. I've done that too. But it was HIS fault for his actions. Most good boys would have just taken you home, and been a "good samaritan". How were you "asking for it" here? Really? Unless he had a huge sign saying "Creepy bad kid who assaults girls" ... it isn't your fault. You didn't yell for help because you were in shock. I didn't push the guy away because it was a shock. Your brain freezes. It's part of trying to psychologically protect you, but it doesn't help in the moment. You didn't yell for help because you were AFRAID. It was SCARY. You were HURT. You were probably TERRIFIED. You were scared of what he might do if you did yell. You were scared of what else could possibly happen, how it might have turned out worse if you didn't keep your mouth shut. So you kept quiet. That's okay. Really. It's understable. I understand. I bet lots of people here do.
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I was beaten by my parents and I WANTED it. I felt as though I deserved it for being such an unruly teenager. They couldn't control themselves. I made them do it. I apologized to them when I became an adult for making things so difficult for them. For being such a stubborn teenager.
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How did you WANT to be beaten? How did you DESERVE to be beaten? No kid deserves to be beaten - no matter how much of a pain in the butt they are, no matter how much trouble they cause. Parents are supposed to protect their kids, not hurt them more! They COULD control themselves, they chose not too. They could have kicked you out, grounded you, taken a walk ... screamed at you ... anything else. Yes, the "heat of the moment" means they might not be entirely capable of stopping once they've started -but if they knew they'd hurt you and they didn't stop themselves - it's THEIR fault. Not yours.
Part of being assaulted/abused at a younger age means we're more likely to accept the blame for every other bad thing that ever happens to us. Our past experiences shape how we react to other things. That's part of the psychology of it... kinda sucks!
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I was SA as a teenager more than once, and I let it happen. I didn't retaliate, and I didn't escape. I didn't report it. I failed.
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How did you "let it happen"? Did you walk up to the person and tell them to assault you? Did they say "I'm going to assault you now, if you don't want it you'd better leave"? If neither of those situations actually happpened... then it's not your fault. You didn't have the control in the situation. The abuser did. Retaliation would just mean more pain and hurt though, right? Survival is a smarter idea. Escaping might have worked, but it might not have. You thought you deserved it then, so you didn't do as much to stop it from happening - that is NOT NOT NOT your fault. That's a product of your past experiences - like I said, if a situation happens more than once ... we're more likely to think we deserve it. To take the blame.
You didn't fail. You survived. You're alive, hurting yes, but alive.
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I was SA by my husband and a neighbor a few months ago. I could've made a different choice. Things could've been different. But I was afraid.
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It being your husband gives him NO RIGHT to hurt you or take advantage of you in any way. And the same thing with your neighbour, they had NO RIGHT to SA you. NONE. Things could have been different... but they might not have been. You didn't need to make "a different choice". THEY did. THEY chose to assault you. Being afraid is perfectly natural and okay.
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I used to cut....I forgot about that for the last 15 years. Cutting felt good.
And now I have the urge to cut again....all of a sudden....out of the blue. I am fighting that urge...and I am afraid to tell my T about the urge, because I don't want him to think I'm an unfit parent.
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You aren't an unfit parent. If your T knows anything about cutting or SI, then they'll know you're trying to cope. Then they'll help you find better ways beyond cutting. Keep fighting the urges. I know it's hard, but you can do it.
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My mom and sister made a surprise visit to me today. They know I've been in a funk and that they felt it would be good for me to have their company. They had good intentions, but I just wanted to scream. I wanted them OUT...and ended up taking an Ativan just to get through the visit.
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People dropping in unexpected always irritates me too. Even with good intentions. Perhaps asking them nicely to call ahead next time, in case you may have been out/busy?? (Phrase it like that, or something like that)
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All of this is hitting me like a ton of bricks, just in the last week. I need to find some way to get all of this out of my mind. I need to suppress it until my next session with my T, because it's all too overwhelming.
I am a smart, funny, fun, loving, caring person who is a good mother and provider....I don't know why I can't feel that right now.
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When's your next session? If it isn't within a week, I'd say you ought to call your T and ask for an earlier appointment. Just say you've been struggling, and you really need the extra support. You DO deserve help.
You don't feel that way right now because you're going through a tough time. But I'm glad you know that's what you are.
Good positive affirmations... keep holding onto that, because you know it's true. Even if you're having a hard time - you're still YOU.
