What the hell is wrong with me?

I think one way and behave another. I have strong beliefs regarding how things should be, yet...I struggle to support them.

I am fully aware that there is a structure which requires attendance, but I behave as though I couldn't care less that I'm not supporting that structure. It's as though it seems....No...correction: I AM alowing this destruction to manifest around me, fully aware that it is not right...not healthy and also fully aware that it can only result unfavorably...Yet...I simply do not care.

I find myself verbally telling myself several times a day, "God..I needta do this"...."I've gotta do that"..."This needs to be paid".."dishes needta be done"...Hell, my domestic duties have been the first to suffer...and terribly. Even the attendance to my own self is suffering. It's all put onto tomorrow...."Yeah, tomorrow I'll start. I just need more sleep NOW..and tomorrow I'll feel up to it". (I have even told myself. "I'll procrastinate tomorrow".....O.O....what is up with THAT?).
Tomorrow comes, and I feel the same...but worse. Now I have the guilt that I failed myself....AGAIN....(as well as those around me).

I'm in the process of divorce, moving myself and dot away from this, yet damn it if I don't find 'something' to either add to my compounding pressure or postpone the move. It's as though I'm setting myself up to only prove to myself that I am the failure...to justify my inabilities....to reinforce my misery?
Why, in God's name would I do that to myself....let alone to my daughter?
(Screw my husband....couldn't care less how this effects him, as he's put me through 15 years of enough abuse as it already is).

I constantly put others before me. Attend to being the help and guidance that they seek..Do what I can to fix their owies. All the while, ignor my own. Once again, justifying in my mind that BY helping others I am satisfying my need to nurture...(if only I knew how to literally nurture self). And when I am confronted with MY reality...I immediately go into shut-down mode..and sleep to hide from myself. I wakies from my hybernation, (varies in length...depending on the volocity of what I am confronted with)...and...start all over again. Fresh...energetic....positive...focused. Then..I begin to realize my surroundings again, and slowly slip back into the cycle of self-doom. (This process varies in duration, but usually cycles within a months time..I think). Ugh.

I am aware that this needs to be corrected...I do want this to stop....yet, I can't seem to care enough TO fix it. I know I need help, but I talk myself out of getting it...using the 'convenient' excuse that I don't have time because we will soon be leaving the area ....so no point of seeking help here....(again, telling myself...Tomorrow....when we are moved to our new location...THEN I'll get the help I need...but then, rationalizing (lol) to self that "by that time, I won't need help because we will be removed from the cause of the entire mess"...(husband).

I'm amazed that I'm even admitting this to all of you....as I prefer to carry the facade that I'm the strong one...always happy and humor is essential. Well...humor IS essential..but I think I've managed to utilize that as being more of my shield to protect me from the crap....Dunno anymore.

And I know...after posting this, I'll only manage to find a means of rationalizing (lol) to self, that I had a weak moment, and "all really isn't as bad as this post sounds". Again, underminding my self-importance to self.

I just needta face it....I'm up the creek without a paddle it seems.
If only I'd listen to my own advice.....I'd be one happy camper FOR REAL.
.....and now...to just press "submit new thread"....*closes eyes. clicks submit*

Shangrala