just in case this might be triggering, im using the trigger warning. It's about my recovery and what i think of this discusting society-

My name's Becka. This is my first time posting at this particular forum. I have schizophrenia, so i moslty post on that forum.
Anyways, i guess i've had somewhat of an eating disorder since i was about 12 years old (im 18 now)
It started out with me trying on and off to starve myself, but i never could seem to go longer than a week without eating. Then i tried millions of diets (low cal, low carb, low fat, healthy, etc.) and exsesive exercise.
Last fall, when i was 17, i started purging. I had put it off for so long, as a last resort, because i knew how unhealthy and dangerous it is to purge. But after 6 years of trying, i gave up and didn't even care anymore.
Well, i did loose some weight finally, but im glad to say that i think i am recovered (i hope i didn't just jinx myself) i've been feeling ok about my size and havn't purged or starved for over 3 or 4 months now. but I'm afraid it will return. I think the biggest reason i am ok for right now, is because of my schizophrenia--i have very flat emotions these days due to this "illness" so i havn't really cared much about what i look like and such.
Actually, im real afraid, because I recently came out of a phychotic relapse, and i havn;t really been hearing voices, feeling possessed, seeing things, or feeling paranoid for more than 2 weeks now, and my "psychosis" was actually a good distraction from feeling fat and all. Now that i'm not having very many of my schiz symptoms, i'm starting to focus on reality again. I really hate reality! Our society is really Damn stupid and it pisses me off so much. I hate hollywood and all these stupid celebrities that for some reason, everyone obsesses over and admires, but what the hell for??? most of them are the biggest idiots!! (such as, paris hilton, linsay lohan, britney spears, jessica simpson, etc.)
Im so sick of hearing about all this hollywood crap...it's putrid! when i was "psychotic" i was able to be in another world and not really see or pay attention to all this crap, but now it's all coming back. .
I hate the world...i hope it comes to it's end soon! Seems most humans wont rest until they spoil the earth and it's once beautiful land!

well, i just really had to let all this out. I hope i am able to stay strong and remember that i am a normal healthy weight, and keep in mind how rediculous and discusting it really is to be soooo thin like all these celebrities and such!! i dont want to be like that! I'm sick of everyone trying to be like everybody else! UGH! no one seems to cares about individuality these days. I've become almost phobic of being like all those people who only care about the latest fashions, and looking good, and being discustingly skinny, and cell phones, and ipods and purses with initials on them and tanning sallons and getting their nails done,and ALL their other "cool" materialistic garbage!
Im so sickened by society, i think im going to go scream in a pillow now! im surrounded.....they're all against me, conspiring! AHH! This World is my Enemy

..thanks for listening.

-Becka

is it a kind of a dream
Floating out on the tide
Following the river of death downstream
Oh is it a dream?