Shangrala

I think one way and behave another.
I think everyone does this sometimes
I have strong beliefs regarding how things should be, yet...I struggle to support them.
depending on what it is, maybe your beliefs are changing & the change is making you uncomfortable...so you fight it.

I am fully aware that there is a structure which requires attendance, but I behave as though I couldn't care less that I'm not supporting that structure.
Ohh yes...I know this. I think this probably has more to do with what your attending than it does with you...but I will read further...sorry for interrupting
It's as though it seems....No...correction: I AM alowing this destruction to manifest around me, fully aware that it is not right...not healthy and also fully aware that it can only result unfavorably...Yet...I simply do not care.
Possibly depression

I find myself verbally telling myself several times a day, "God..I needta do this"...."I've gotta do that"..."This needs to be paid".."dishes needta be done"...Hell, my domestic duties have been the first to suffer...and terribly.
Yuck...that stuff is boring...I would dodge it too
All though, the more you put it off the more it stresses me
Even the attendance to my own self is suffering. It's all put onto tomorrow...."Yeah, tomorrow I'll start. I just need more sleep NOW..and tomorrow I'll feel up to it". (I have even told myself. "I'll procrastinate tomorrow".....O.O....what is up with THAT?).
OMG!! Are you a Leo Were much better at motivating others to do things Not do them ourselves

Tomorrow comes, and I feel the same...but worse. Now I have the guilt that I failed myself....AGAIN....(as well as those around me).

I'm in the process of divorce, moving myself and dot away from this, yet damn it if I don't find 'something' to either add to my compounding pressure or postpone the move. It's as though I'm setting myself up to only prove to myself that I am the failure...to justify my inabilities....to reinforce my misery?
Avoiding something uncomfortable...not productive..but it is human

Why, in God's name would I do that to myself....let alone to my daughter?
(Screw my husband....couldn't care less how this effects him, as he's put me through 15 years of enough abuse as it already is).

I constantly put others before me.
Leo thing again...we want everyone to want us, need us , to worship us*oops, that wasn't suppose to be audible*
Attend to being the help and guidance that they seek..Do what I can to fix their owies. All the while, ignor my own. Once again, justifying in my mind that BY helping others I am satisfying my need to nurture...(if only I knew how to literally nurture self). And when I am confronted with MY reality...I immediately go into shut-down mode..and sleep to hide from myself. I wakies from my hybernation, (varies in length...depending on the volocity of what I am confronted with)...and...start all over again.
woah...this is scarey familiar...can you see me!!*pokes at monitor*

OK...now I feel guilty to *drags tail*

Let me know when you figure out how to fix this one

Lk