i'm so sorry you're going through all this. There are lots of people that would be sad if you didn't get the care you need. i know how scary surgery is and how different scary thoughts can take over (if that's part of the issue). i'm not sure if things have gotten worked out yet but hope you can get the help you need to feel as safe as possible. i like how people sit with people here to show they care. i will sit with you as you go through this if you like. Please let me know if there's anything i can say or do.