ok, just rambling here. why cant i talk when i am with my T? why cant i look at him? if i knew what stops me from talking or why, i could. what part of me is fighting all this so much, why? i HATE this. gotta listen to tapes i made that i dont remember, dont want to, dont like them, scared of them, scared of leaving again. confused, frustrated, dont understand any thing going on any more, harder to fight, harder to stay, to want to, everything is like a roller coaster in reverse surrounded by a bunch of fun house mirrors that are craked. all these illusions whats real whats not, dont know any more. heck with it, if any of this manages to make sense to any one, i will be VERY surprised.