Peaches, I too know how intensely painful it is to come to that realization. For me it triggered a huge amount of grief for all I had lost and all I would never have. But, like it was for Treehouse, accepting that realization also paved the way for an enormous amount of healing and growth.

For me, I learned to depend on and trust ME. I discovered that looking after myself and taking care of my own needs wasn't nearly so bad as I had feared - it actually turned out to be better than anything I had ever imagined! I discovered that I was always there for me, no matter what time of night or day or whatever the circumstances. I discovered I knew exactly what I needed, so was able to fulfil my needs perfectly. I also discovered that it actually felt good. I didn't feel ripped off or neglected or abandoned because I had to take care of myself - I just felt cared for!

Like Treehouse, I also take care of myself just like I would an outside child. That was hard at first, but became easier with time. It means no judgements about worthiness or anything like that - I wouldn't judge a hurting outside child, I would simply respond to their need. I have a rule about according myself the same respect.

I soooo do not miss the days of having a need and feeling that awful empty pain of yearning for someone to fill it, or feeling adandoned, rejected and unworthy when someone else fails to fill it. When I hurt, need, or am ill, I nurture myself, soothe myself, wrap up warmly and feed me hot chicken soup, allow myself the time and space to recuperate. I never fail to be there for me. It's a rule, and I am dependable!

I know it hurts when the want and the need is so great. I also know the healing that can come from realizing that those wants and needs CAN be filled by yourself.
The grief is enormous.... but so is the healing. And I think that healing can only happen once we fully accept that painful realization without our defences.