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Originally Posted by phoenix7
wrote to old T to see if he would take me back - said he didnt have to reply if he couldnt and ... he didnt reply.... you get what you ask for and what you deserve sometimes.... I know its not - but it feels like someone else has abandoned me - I know thats wrong - but it feels like another person has confirmed how worhtless and ...... soiled I am ...
I wil ring about another T next week.. and start again.... maybe this time I will find one that won't leave... and that wont be disgusted when they see the real me .
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It is a kind of "being abandoned" but it's not because of YOU - it's because of HIS stuff. Not yours. You are not worthless or soiled. You are a special person, who's gone through too much bad stuff in their life - and is a bit broken up inside because of it. That's okay. It really is. I don't think a good T is someone who leaves you - and if they're disgusted by seeing you and getting to know you, then they obviously suck as a person and a therapist. T's can deal with stuff, and if they can't - then they really ought to not be trying to counsel those with issues when they need to work on their own.
Quote:
Originally Posted by phoenix7
shouldnt anyway cos Im trying to lose weight.....but it protects me.... no-one will want me if I am this way ... makes the outside like the inside.... unwelcome.. unloved.. because I am un lovable ....
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I love you. I do, I do I DO! And I hate trying to lose weight since I love icecream... and it does sorta protect you from being hurt, b/c you think if nobody likes to look at you and finds you "ugly" then they won't hurt you. Kinda works sometimes, but at the same time - it doesn't work either.
Quote:
Originally Posted by phoenix7
My old T tried to get me to address them - but I couldnt - but he was the one who got me to admit what had happened... he said you have to accept what happened and move on - I couldnt.... 
What your old T *should* have said, is that you've got to LEARN to accept it, and LEARN to move on - and that it's not a big button you press and it's over and done with - it's a stupidly long process that hurts a lot. But you can do it. I believe you can.
My last T - she talked about the feelings of shame and despair I feel in relation to the ...event .... she tried to cnvince me - make me see it wasnt my fault - I half believe her.... but the stain is still there - and these new memories? they are worse than what I remember - if they are real ... and if they are not.... what sort of a person imagines that... 
Stains go away with time, with repeated brushing and rubbing... or a new coat of paint. Half believing her is better than not believing her at all - that's what we call progress! New memories are hard to deal with ... but that just means you have to go through them like you've done with the other ones, learn from them, and accept that it STILL WAS NOT YOUR FAULT.
and now I will have a new T ... and I wont know if I will trust them... I dont think i will be able to talk to T - any T about this...
Trusting a new T takes time. You take as long as you need to get to that point - nobody expects you to immediately open up to a new T (and if you do, more often than not - a person is scared off by being too honest, too quickly, with a new T). So take your time.
today I was thinking that maybe I didnt come here by mistake... maybe its time to face this. It just brings out feelings of incredible sadness that I dont know if i can bear....
Maybe it IS time to face this, but maybe it isn't. I think it takes a lot of time to face our inner selves and the bad stuff that's happened in the past. You can bear the sadness and the pain, because if you begin to trust a new T with it, they will help you through it. I also promise that we'll still be here to listen and help and support you too - so you know you're never alone, even if it feels like it sometimes.
be safe, be well, be happy  |
