Please tell me...

I thought that i would do with out it, and actually - well lets try to be clear:

I knew i was feeling really...bad...not just BAD well- horrible? ****ed up? crazy? escape epcape escape? run run run? like something is always out there get me - to **** me more? to "help" = destroy me completely....

So i was told i needed medication

You see, about 2 weeks ago i had an... attack? i do have rage....you know..like i have a broken chair and such due to my anger but that time it was not out of rage...rather out of terror. i had such mini attacks MANY times b4 and never actually got any help...just some analysis...but i feel very little, too..

sorry. i will try to just tell what happened and thats it:
2 weeks ago - my professor told me to do something about my final project. there were a few days b4 the "go no go" thing and he told me to chage my subject and on. after he told me i felt dizzy and fell on my bad and started crying. 2 days later i started doing what he said - and got it all again:

-started breathing quickly and heavily-
told myself to stop. said "you are doing it. "
but i byte my arm, run to the other corner of the room.
told myself " come on look you can finish it THIS year RID of it come on"
do it again thiking "this is no good i dont know" this thought has actually been a core belief thoughout my college years.
and after trying again and again i - without MEANING to i think - ran INTO my ****ing closet, hit myself against it. and then fell on my bed and cried. called my councelor and she started talking to me about motivation. and as she started encouraging me i threw everything around -all pillows and whatever was on the bed and she continued and i kicked the air with my legs as if someone was going to kidnap me.

anyways my parents dont know about it....the councelor told me i COULD control it. but then i went OUT of control. I had a few arguments with her. i almost YELLED at her...at ANYONE who tried to encourage me to believe in my abillities to keep going.

Do you think i need....well actually - back then something like a month before i called her and told her how i felt and she TOLD ME:
Its either you are exaggeraing the way you feel - or - go see a psychologist. i can teach awareness and self asteem but not disorders"

I HAVE A DISORDER??????????????

I HAVE BEEN STRONG AND HEALTHY ALL MY ****ING LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!



What the heck.....i dont know. am i really helpless? well i got rid of the project for now. i will do it next year. but where am i....?

i CANT tell my parents because they wont BELIEVE something is wrong they are too worried to let such an thing sink it. heck am i really in trouble?

i just dont want it to influence my future! like if i get a job? i dont want to **** up....i feel so stupid sometimes...my God
and EVERY TIME someone tries to help me i feel as if he is ****ing me. images of blood, hospital and broken bones arrive...and the worst is when the phantom pain of my past sexual abuse comes...i am so scared and terrified i try to escape..but there is NOWHERE to escape!!

escaping is a LIE...reality is reality..no? DEAL with it..

Do you think i am kind of not completely in my right mind? i am just scared everybody will **** me up..all i wanna be is LEFT ALONE.. so i AM left alone...but its not clearing EVERYTHING though..
wow sorry for the long post.

I am tired.