WOW I feel exactly the same way. I have been doing good since I started PHP. I got scared and paranoid waiting for something bad to happen. I stopped focusing on me and getting well and I had a huge relapse. The only thing I could possibly suggest is to really use whatever skills you are using that are keeping you safe for now cause slipping is easy. Accept any mistakes or bad urges you have and dont be too hard on yourself.
best of luck
Courtney