I totally agree with that concept of being able to give up something that is not going to work. When we have 'sought' that all our lives it is so, so hard to come to the realization that it is never going to work. And there is so much grief involved with that, too.

But, giving it up truly does mean being open to finding other ways of healing. And there is immense power and hope in that.

When we want someone else to fulfil our need we are so dependent on them... if they can't give us what we need we are left empty, unfulfilled, alone, wanting... if they can't respond to us WHEN we need them to we are left feeling the same.
If we are able to develop ways of meeting our own needs, without the deep yearning for someone else to fill the hole for us, we are in control of our own feelings.
It is hard to believe when we have spent our whole lives looking for that fulfilment outside of ourselves... because as children we *needed* it to come from somewhere else. We were dependent on others for all the things we needed, and when they didn't deliver we were left bereft. It is difficult to shift that belief that it needs to come from others, but as adults we really can learn to fulfil those needs for ourselves. Even if we have never had nurturing from anyone in our lives before, we can still learn to give it to ourselves.
It is only the want for it to come from someone else, and the disappointment and pain when it doesn't, that holds us back.

Recognize a need -----> want someone to take care of it for us ----->
1. have another respond to need ------> contentment
2. be disappointed ---------> pain.

Recognize a need ----->
1. respond to need in self -------> contentment.
2. ignore need in self -------> pain.

It is only in the second example that we can be responsible for our own being.