(((((((Berries))))))))

You're not a damned soul or being bad by overmedicating. You're looking for relief. I get that, I've been there, and doing what you can to ensure that relief, even when it's not necessarily healthy, is completely understandable.

That being said (and I know you've probably heard this a million times, so please don't take this as me badgering you or trying to make you feel worse about what you're doing) it is very, VERY dangerous to overmedicate. You can cause yourself serious health problems, you can overdose, you can damage yourself even worse than your illness damages you now. I KNOW you want that relief and I know that you probably know all these things already; I also know that telling someone who is depressed to do something good for themselves even when they don't feel like it is akin to asking them to flap their arms and fly. But is this really what you want? To be forced to overmedicate -- which may only be aggravating your condition, as far as you know -- or finding some other way of coping?

Do you live with anybody else? Is there someone you can get to hold onto your meds for you and only give you your appropriate dosage every day? If not, I'm glad you've spoken to your doctor and your T about this, but maybe it's worth bringing up again, and stressing that you know it's bad for you but you're continuing to overmedicate and simply having someone tell you not to is not working. Maybe they can come up with some alternative coping strategies for you.

I know you're in a lot of pain right now, but you can get through this. Sending lots of hugs in the meantime. Take care of you, you're a good, caring person and you deserve to be well.