My caseworker emailed me back. I wrote him giving vague information enough so he knew the subject was my eating habits and such. The following is my reply to him...

Change is constant. Another thing, there is always temptation or rationalization. One can always make an *excuse* for something to make it "right". Sometimes a person just doesn't want to fight temptation. It's easier to give in or to come up with an excuse. I am so guilty. I could be hanged for my crimes. It's hard to even admit anything. It's not supposed to be. I love my habits and I hate them. I don't even know. It's very wrong. A person can't just talk and open up to anybody and go into these things. I have people tell me almost every day that I am skinny and what is my secret. What am I supposed to tell them? I ran out of one of my somethings this afternoon. I have to get more. If I don't, my body will go through the effects. I shouldn't do it. But maybe it would be better go off it gradually? If I do. I don't know. Maybe I just need time to figure out what to do and buying more will give me that time to try to adjust to the thought. It feels so wrong to not take any of that. Like something is missing.