Quote:
Originally Posted by Luce
It is difficult to shift that belief that it needs to come from others, but as adults we really can learn to fulfil those needs for ourselves. Even if we have never had nurturing from anyone in our lives before, we can still learn to give it to ourselves.
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I agree with everyone who says grieving/accepting that certain needs weren't met is an important step towards healing/growth/moving forward. I also agree that learning to nurture ourselves may be the best answer in the end, for the reasons Luce says.
But I think, for me at least, I could not have gotten to those points without therapy (or some relationship that provided similar features in real life). So having a T was/is really an essential step for me -- I could not have just snapped my fingers and decided to meet those needs for myself. For one thing, I didn't have enough self awareness to even be fully aware of those needs prior to therapy. For another, I think when my T acts kindly and nurturingly toward me, that models for me how to do it toward myself and towards others. Likewise, I think having the experience of opening up to another person and trusting trusting them could not have been completed on my own. I think learning those things will eventually help me in several ways:
1) I won't feel so "needy" in the first place because I'll have gotten used to feeling securly attached to someone and having those needs met. That hole just won't be there any more. (I've been feeling this more and more lately.)
2) But eventually I will be ready to move on because I will have acknowledged the limits to the T relationship and how my feelings in it are largely based on past unmet needs. I'll still appreciate it, think of it warmly, but other things, like focusing on more reciprocal relationships and family and career, will just start to feel more important. (Not here yet, but I think someday I will be.)
3) I'll be in a better place and have better skills to get my needs met by other real life relationships, to various degrees and from various people. This will also decrease my reliance on my T for getting those needs met. (Still working on this.)
So anyway, I guess my point is just I think both can be true: that learning to nuture yourself is a good thing, but that, in the meantime, relying on nurturing from T (to some degree) is also a good thing. JMO.
