If youv'e read my other posts in SH, you know i'm really struggling with serious clinical depression....on top of my par. schizophrenia, ptsd.....and a really serious cutting problem. I'm currently trying to help one other cutter friend.....and thats triggering me allready. Well, yesterday....my neighbor........(who's a 23 yr. old vet with a bad childhd. hist. REAL bad, like mine.) came to me in severe crisis....he was dangerously depressed and talking about how close he came the prev. night...and how much he felt he couldn't control the feelings to harm himself with the intention of "ending his pain and depression" permanently.......he described how he had many very specific and very dangerous actions he said "were beyond his control" and he was very serious.....enough so, i spent the next 14 hours with him until emerg. counsel from the VA arrived to eval. and help him....well, he saw the guy....and had an emerg. psych. appt. within 24 hrs. BUT he also said, he would not be safe with any prescription he would be given. I recognized how immediate and serious the sit. was......and did my best to help him through talking, support, etc....here's the issue at hand.....HIS feelings were SO close to what iv'e been going through that it really got me right back to thoughts that were causing huge problems for me allready......wanting to engage in self destructive behaviors intensely......ones i have a long history of doing, that required emerg. med. care, inpat. treatment, and crisis intervention. I WON'T turn away a friend in crisis.....even if it means risking my own safety....so i'm carrying alot more baggage than i can handle right now....every written word iv'e read warns how dangerous someone like me trying to "help" another in the same boat is.....but you had to be there......there was NO choice to make....engage on every level....trigg. or not....i'm really worried about him....i don't know what's up with his sit. right now....iv'e sought refuge at another place for now.....%$#@& i SHOULD have called 911, or taken him to the hosp........he was that bad. I allready really don't care what happens to me......severe depression and SH is a cocktail that has always brought me to a place where it's better and easier to just let go and earn a fast ride in an amb. to whatever would "save" me that day.
I HAVE to go home soon.....and he'll be over....my BIGGEST worry....is that being around me right now will do more harm to him.....ME? i could care less. But another human being who still has a fighting chance to beat this deep, black, endless season and get up off his knees.....(mine are just too tired now) is deserving of better than talking to ME. If my engaging him causes harm.......i won't be able to handle it.......what the heck do i do??!!
He wants to be around ME for support.....and it's not in me to simply pass him off to whatever or whomever happens to be some kind of option.
I'm driving a pickup truck full of nitroglycerine through a minefield.......i don't care about me.......but i do care about him. So i guess....i just ask them to "supersize" my unhappy meal......and pray my crap doesn't infect his......i REALLY had to talk that out......whether you read or reply....is up to you......I'm well past any fantasies of myself avoiding a well worn route to nowhere.........but HE deserves to fight......he served this country, and is still young and has a chance.....if you read this....could you please think of him? Thoughts and prayers def. can't hurt.....thanks, P.