Does anyone feel selfish for desiring companionship?

Does anyone feel selfish for desiring companionship when you know you have conditions that would put stress or complications on your partner? I personally feel irresponsible pursuing relationships for this reason. In short, I have numerous issues with being in public. I can’t help but feel lonely, yet I suppose I accept the decision to be single assuming/knowing that it will save others the stress. I know allot of quick thoughts to this would follow as: “simply be honest and open with your conditions” and “if they decide to get involved with you and find they cant handle it, its not your fault.” In response to the first, I have tried that, but what I found was that over time, the understanding runs low, the desire for things like romantic dinners in public or a night at the movies becomes increased. I can see how hard others try to be supportive, but they cannot always hide their desires for outings or a “normal” relationship. After 3 years of a great relationship and the unconditional love I found for my partner, I found myself desiring more for her, things I could not offer. She required more than I could give and this slowly became a reality. I think we both recognized this but just found ourselves looking at each other with concerning eyes, we both knew it was not going to work any longer. I decided to part and pray she found a man who was able to give her all she deserved and more. So following up on the “if they decide to get involved with you and find they cant handle it, its not your fault” I cant help but feel irresponsible for assuming that, or shifting blame on something you are aware of. Aware of the fact that they are unaware of the impact such things can have on a long term relationship. I suppose its ignorance, they assume they can handle it, or can live with it. Sometimes they think that it can’t be that “bad” or that possibly they can change you or help you. Without getting into a deep discussion of feminine psychology, like the nurturing and caring characteristics some woman have, I feel that it can play a big part in the attraction to the idea of the problem and the opportunity to help fix and care for it. This in the end can become an ongoing and un winnable battle. The initial “I can deal with it, I can help, and I can respect it” slowly seems to fade and failure is typically imminent. In experiencing this and having knowledge of it, it would be irresponsible to blindly believe what they say, as they assume and you through experience know its not that easy.

I have since then, for 3 years now accepted being single as I can’t foresee much success in serious relations. Moral convictions don’t tend to allow me to casually date either so I guess I was curious if anyone has insight into the complications of relationships regarding this. Anyone found steps or rules you follow when someone pursues a relationship with you? I get a laugh when I feel as though I would only be compatible with someone who felt similar about the public, its ironic because it would be the 2 absolute worst personalities to ever actually meet. . . in public. When I meet women, it’s always at an outing that I feel uncomfortable for being at in the first place, and just the fact of meeting in public is a bad start to finding someone who would understand this. I suppose I can honestly say I am content with my situation, but can’t help but be curious of others experiences or opinions.

Its 4:30am and I apologize if that was a bit clustered or jumpy. I assume I will get home from work tomorrow and start hitting the edit buttons.

0ldsoul