Wow, you sound like my double, I just found this part of the health site this morning, I am 30, I started using drugs in high school just messing around with weed, never really liked so I went to coke, then acid which I swear is what really messed me up, I went from a shy kid, to well to say the least I was in trouble all the time, The sad thing is I got honor role in school for 2 years one of those years I was on ACID most of the time! The reason I said you sound like me is because I am now on the methadone clinic for the 3rd time! I started oxys when I got hurt barttending at like 20. but I really just wanted the high everyone says its cuz they where hurt. So That is when I found out my mom was dying from cerocis from drinking, well actually at that time she could have lived she had one part of her liver dead one part sick but could repair it self and the third part healthy. You can live with only one part of your liver funcioning, anyway I am an only child and I was a mess over her diagnosis. She had emphasema as well she would not stop drinking or smoking. So when I was 22 she died. By that time I had tried herion and was what I thought bad on oxys at the time..well things can always get worse. I was doing about an 80 a day, I was working and spending all my money on it. I overdosed from sniffing herion 2x and that was just the begining. So after she dies I met the man who has now been my husband for almost 7 years. I met him becasue he hung around with an oxy dealer. He never used hard drugs but he was around them to say the least. I told him he wanted nothing to do with me I was a mess, I said I am on drugs and I will do them until I die wether that is tommorrow or 10 years..He is 10 years older than me so he said he did dumb things when he was young and I would get better. So th try to shorten the story, we ended up together and he was afraid of what I would do for drugs, because I always dated dealers, So he bought them and would desperse them to me, BIG MISTAKE. With in 6 months he was 50 grand in debt with people knocking on our door not for a friendly chat! So he though he could switch a button and it would just end. Wel you know how that works..it doesnt. SO he put me in rehab, after about my 30th detox he relized this was not working, I went on the clinic for the 1st time, I felt good all was good then I got pregnant! I told him I never planned on kids he told me he could not have kids he has tried for 3 years with his ex, I met her and she confirmed this,,it turned out they both lied he paid her and she actually had her tubels tied! Well I did not want to terminate the pregnancy I was a mess I told him I could never be a good mother. I had my daughter and things where good, great for a while, o I came off the clinic when I found out I was preg and they fought me horribly. Told me I was going to kill my baby. My doctor who fell out of heavan or something she did studies on methadone drugs and pregnancy and I just happened to pick her with out knowing that! So I did good through my preg and I was sooo sick threw up ever day and night for 9 months, so the last 2 weeks of my preg I did to 80's in little pieces, I did not tell my husband until I was about to go in to get a c-section. I told my dr. becasue if she was going to need to be helped I had to tell her, it was not in out system and they monitored her but she was fine, I felt and still do feel like a **** bag! Anyway I stayed sober for a year and 1/2 on my own, then something really bad happened to me, If you write back and want to know I will get in to that..lets just say a state cop is in jail for rapping me..So I went on the clinic sober becasue the trial was so hard if i got high I would have messed up the whole thing and he would be free right now. I was clean on the clinic for another years so it was 2 years no street drugs but I was coming off down from 120mgs to 30 because I feel like you yeah I amnot on street drugs but I personally feel like it is government herion, I mean I think it is good to help you get clean but some people are lifers, and dont want to get off. to each there own, So at 30 mgs A councler said something I did not like and I got up and walked out, the next thing I know I got kicked off the clinic for threatining to assault the staff! I swear I did nothing! I begged the head of the place not to ruin my life she was my old councler, now she runs the place I told her I would have to go use becasue if you come of at 30 you will be soo sick there is nothing you can do. Not only did she kick me off, she called all detoxes and methadone clinics saying I could not go on because I was a risk! I never would threaten the staff or anyone for no reason. SO I relapsed all last summer, ruined my finally getting better credit, my husband by this point was ready to leave and my daughter was turning 5 she was starting to pick up on things, so after doing about a half finger of herion every 3 days and putting us in depbt again, I finally found a clinic to take me I have to drive a 1.2 hour there and 1/2 your back but it is worth it so now I am coming off I have been on since december 10th, I am down to 50 mgs I am afraid of getting sick, I will never live that life again, I am sorry I wrote so much, I just was happy to hear there was someone out there that sounded like they could relate. If this story did no bore you or scar you away, please wite me, I promise I will not write stories everytime lol Let me know yours if yo want to vent. Jillian